Yesterday, my Health teacher assigned my class an assignment. We had to fill this list that had two columns. The first column read, "Triggering Behaviours" to know what the behaviours of a suicidal person are. The second column read, "Prevention Responses" as in what are the responses you should give to prevent a person from commiting suicide.

In the middle of January of last year (2012, obviously) I lost my best friend to suicide. I took it hard and I've also tried commiting suicide 3-4 times in 7th grade which was 3 1/2 years ago.

While trying to do this assignment that was a full page printed list of a worksheet, I ended up finding myself bawling my eyes out, not sleeping at all and having mini anxiety attacks along the way from having myself remember everything. The last couple of days, my mum had me sleep in her bed with her because I could not be alone.

This past year, I haven't had a proper way to close myself from it because everyone at my school likes to joke about it and I still get bullied to this very day. Not physically (anymore), but verbally.

Each time I have tried to do this assignment, I would end up having anxiety attacks and crying. This whole week since we've been on the bullying, depression, and suicide topic, I have not slept nor have I talked to anybody because all it did was make me the way I was back in 7th grade.

I have told my parents this and my dad who is a very strong believer of not giving in and doing the best you can simply told me, "Don't do the worksheet. It is really not worth the stress and tears over it if all it does it make you feel horrible and down. Also, since you have not had the chance to get past her death, it is much more harder for you. So, I wouldn't do it anyways. I will write a note about this and you'll give it to her when you come to class on Monday. If she asks you any questions about anything further, you will have her talk to me. You do not need to answer any personal questions about this."

My Heatlth teacher started on the first day of second semester, "If you do not do the homework that I assign to you, I will give you an F and call your parents." Worried about the F, but not calling my parents. If she needs to know, they simply know why I didn't do it and they'd be happy to tell her anything else. I think it would be unfair to give me an F anyways since I have tried many times to do this worksheet and all it did was make me feel worse this whole week. That is also another reason why I have been thinking about suicide much more recently (aside from other personal issues that I'm trying to find ways to get through). If she does give me an F, I will care but I would take it because I really can't do this assignment. It is too much and too early. 

2 Comments
  1. fragile_things 8 years ago

    dont worry about the F! if your dad is writting to her and explaing why this is such a difficult subject for you , any human should understnad that your health is more important and hopefully she will exucse you or set another assignment for you! put yourself first though one assignements really not worth your health!  x

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  2. carrotflower 8 years ago

     i am so sorry about your friend, i know how hard that must be for you, especially since you were so close. i must say, i agree with our dad; your happiness and well-being is much more important than a grade even though i know how important grades seem. i'm sure you're grade will be fine, but you were right when you said that even if it isn't, it doesn't matter. i'm not sure what personal issues you're going through, though i have no doubt they they bring their own share of challenges. and those along with this really are a lot to have to carry. but try to push the thoughts of suicide out of your mind. i know that's wayyy easier said than done, trust me, but you don't want to feed those thoughts. from just this post i can tell that you have parents who love you very, very much. they're there for you; go to them if you need help. it is so, so hard to fight those thoughts by yourself, and they can help or get you help. as far as the people at school who are making comments, they have no idea what it's like, absolutely none. they have no right to say anything to you about what you've been through or are going through. it's hard to ignore them, i know that, but try since they are so clearly ignorant of the world around them if they can say any such things to you. you have had burdens already that they have not, and i guess they are just too immature to see that. be strong, don't let them or this assignment get to you. you've got great parents and you have to strength to reach out and write about the things going on in your life. keep working towards your happiness, i'm here to talk whenever if you need it. good luck!

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