I feel like I’m at crossroads with my life at the moment. I’ve said that before about situations, things that now seem really trivial. If they were crossroads, then this is a huge intersection with traffic moving so fast I can’t even step out without getting crushed.
I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. I work in a job I hate at worst and tolerate at best, for absolutely fuck all money which I then have to live on. I’m in a new city and after four months I still don’t feel properly settled or have any real friends it seems. On the days when the self-loathing has subsided and I am actually confident enough to apply for jobs, I write beautifully worded letter after beautifully worded letter to companies, recruitment sites and basically anyone I can, to no avail whatsoever. I got an email from a recruitment agency here in Nottingham a few days ago that specialises in media and promotion jobs. The email said my ‘background’ wasn’t suitable for the company. How the fuck is a Media and Cultural Studies degree and experience on an executive committee and various independent projects NOT suitable?? I wish I understood the job-seeking bullshit jargon. I would do some more (yes more) voluntary work and placements that are more relevant to my desired career, I honestly would, and I do intend to. But it’s a bit bloody difficult when I’m working every hour I can to support myself and my partner. Another thing of course is that my partner is doing a Masters degree and he’s so excited about potential careers. He has more prospects because he got a much better degree mark than me and the world is his oyster. I don’t know why he’s with me sometimes, and I definitely feel his parents think he should ‘upgrade’. I’m a very intelligent person, I don’t need a piece of paper to tell me that, and to be honest considering some of the stuff that happened while I was at uni I was lucky to get a degree. I had to fight tooth and nail for it, and I’m proud of that – even if to others it’s worthless. I’ve also lost touch with so many friends, and can’t figure out who is to blame. It makes me wonder how much of a shitty person I actually am…am I utterly detestable? Another thing which makes me wonder why my boyfriend is with me.
I just don’t know who I am right now.
I wonder why you are supporting your boyfriend. Why aren't you investing more in your own improvement. It may be that you are too overwhelmed and too angry and somehow it shows in your choice of words when applying for a new job. Why wouldn't you be angry, frustrated and overwhelmed. It seem as though his education and advancement is more important than yours. It also appears that he is free to pursue his academics, while you bring home the bacon, doing a job you can barely tolerate. Tell me what he is contributing to the cause and whys you are so lucky to have him when it sounds like he's damm lucky to have you. My dear, in my estimation you are being exploited by your boyfriend.