I feel like I’m at crossroads with my life at the moment. I’ve said that before about situations, things that now seem really trivial. If they were crossroads, then this is a huge intersection with traffic moving so fast I can’t even step out without getting crushed.
I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. I work in a job I hate at worst and tolerate at best, for absolutely fuck all money which I then have to live on. I’m in a new city and after four months I still don’t feel properly settled or have any real friends it seems. On the days when the self-loathing has subsided and I am actually confident enough to apply for jobs, I write beautifully worded letter after beautifully worded letter to companies, recruitment sites and basically anyone I can, to no avail whatsoever. I got an email from a recruitment agency here in Nottingham a few days ago that specialises in media and promotion jobs. The email said my ‘background’ wasn’t suitable for the company. How the fuck is a Media and Cultural Studies degree and experience on an executive committee and various independent projects NOT suitable?? I wish I understood the job-seeking bullshit jargon. I would do some more (yes more) voluntary work and placements that are more relevant to my desired career, I honestly would, and I do intend to. But it’s a bit bloody difficult when I’m working every hour I can to support myself and my partner. Another thing of course is that my partner is doing a Masters degree and he’s so excited about potential careers. He has more prospects because he got a much better degree mark than me and the world is his oyster. I don’t know why he’s with me sometimes, and I definitely feel his parents think he should ‘upgrade’. I’m a very intelligent person, I don’t need a piece of paper to tell me that, and to be honest considering some of the stuff that happened while I was at uni I was lucky to get a degree. I had to fight tooth and nail for it, and I’m proud of that – even if to others it’s worthless. I’ve also lost touch with so many friends, and can’t figure out who is to blame. It makes me wonder how much of a shitty person I actually am…am I utterly detestable? Another thing which makes me wonder why my boyfriend is with me.
I just don’t know who I am right now.