Exhausted but can't sleep. Story of my life lately it seems. It has been a VERY long day for my son and I, and it's not over yet. His fever hit 102.7 degrees and I was very scared. Then the vomiting started, and the massive headache, and then a noticeable strangeness to the way he was talking…not quite all there from the high temperature. I threw him into a cool bath for the 2nd time today, made him strip down to underwear and a t-shirt, and laid him on the couch with a blanket. He was flushed and freezing all day despite his fever, which I couldn't bring down below 101.1 F.

Around 1:15 I had to wake my husband so I could go to my psychiatric appointment with my doctor. He took over the duties from there. By then Zach's headache was really bad and we couldn't give him more medication. I felt horrible that he was in so much pain.

My doctor's appointment went okay. He put me on Congentin (I think that's the name of it anyhow) to stop the restless feelings and desire to cut and the insomnia too. I'm now up to 7 medications, 2 of which are non-psychiatric. He's also going to rewrite the letter to match the newest documentation of my illness as bipolar disorder. He said he'd call when it was finished.

While I got into the car my husband called ~ I needed to run by the store and grab some things…gatorade, saltines, Motrin, gingerale and chicken stock. So I swung by the Walgreens nearby and got all those items and came home. Zachary looked even worse than when I left. He was lying on the floor crying because his head hurt so badly. :"-( I finally said "that's it!" and made us all pile into the car and take him to an emergency clinic nearby. He vomited all the way there (luckily I havea trashcan in my car) and more when we got there.

It turns out he has the flu. And a sinus infection causing the headache. So she wrote us prescriptions for Tamiflu and Augmentin and then we did the run around trying to find a pharmacy that HAD Tamiflu in stock.Nada. Not a single one. The best we could do was to get it tomorrow after 1 p.m. So we can't start his medicines until then. But at least now with the Motrin we can go back and forth overlapping it with the Acetominaphine when his temperature and headache go up. The only thing the poor child has eaten today has been a cheese stick, and he threw that up. Right now we're just trying to get him to drink a LOT of liquids. You can go a few days without eating, but not drinking. Especially not when you're losing it all anyhow.

He's going to be out of school for at least 3 days, maybe the whole week. I hope he gets better quickly ~ I hate seeing him this ill. And I'm not doing so hot myself really. I should be asleep but I tried to go to sleep and it didn't work. So here I am blogging again. I'm hoping that shortly I can give Zachary his next dosage of medicine and get about 6-7 hours of sleep afterwards. I desparately need it. So does he. I hope he sleeps late tomorrow morning ~ he's beyond tired. He cried all the way home from the pharmacy because he wanted to be in bed. As soon as he hit the pillowhe was out, thank heavens.

Aaron went to bed too. So now it's justme up by my lonesome, and I'm okay with that. Itallows me some down time to process the day and wind down from all of the stress it carried. Maybe I'll sleep soundly tonight ~ that would be a blessing. This has been one hellatious Monday. Did I mention that MondaysandI don't really get along well? 😉

Enough complaining though. I'm grateful because I'm breathing, because Ihave food in my stomach and a bed to sleep in and aroof over my head. I'm grateful because I have a good support system wihen it comes to taking careof my son and myself in bad times. I'm also grateful for my medical team that treats me even though they make me feel overwhelmed sometimes. All of the therapy and medications and appointments and such just make me feel like bipolar disorder is running my life, not me. Anybody else feel that way about their illness/disorder?

I don't want to feel helpless any more in any way ~ I want to feel like I have some control over what's happening to me or around me. But that's only an illusion isn't it? Control, I mean. It's not real. The only thing I can truly control is my reaction to a given situation…and even then it's limited by the bipolar problems.

As the little boy on the Matrix once said; "There is no spoon." 😉

Goodnight my friends. Take care. Free hugs to all who need them! (((HUGS)))

~ Key