I’ve been extremely up and down the past week. I cried randomly in front of my stepmother. I’ve cried twice at therapy. I’ve got this bitchin’ new relaxation cd from therapy. It’s a very strange man telling me to imagine squeezing a lemon. I haven’t really used it much, it makes me laugh. Which I guess can be relaxing in the long run.

Earlier today a memory came to me so strongly for no reason and it took me by surprise. I remember when I was living with my friend Leslie and being 19 and eager to try new things we made special brownies. She of course, had had them before but it was my first time and I got so ridiculously high. She was in a photography class at the time so at god knows what hour 2am? we decided to go downtown so she could take some pictures. I remember it was cold and I stayed in the car for the most part, but I remember just everything feeling surreal. Not only was I high as a kite but earlier in the evening a guy friend that I had exchanged numbers with earlier in the week had called me. I missed the call but he left a voicemail and it was just really sweet and unexpected and he wanted to hang out. I tried calling him back, but he never answered. As amazing as it would have been to actually hang out with him, I remember just feeling elated that he had called in the first place. As Leslie was out and about taking pictures I remember just smiling to myself in the car. I just felt good.

Granted, I don’t smoke, eat, or do anything else with pot these days, haven’t in over a year now, but that’s not what I miss. I just miss feeling good about people wanting to hang out with me. These days I question everything. I just feel rotten and even if people mean well, which I know somewhere deep down in my horrible soul, I still can’t help wanting to hurt the people that seemingly care about me and people that I supposedly care about. My friend Carl called me last night, ironically he used to be best friends with Leslie, but they had somewhat of a falling out and now we’re best friends. He’s gay and I really have had some great times with him, but he drives me crazy sometimes. Anyway, he left me a message last night because of course I didn’t answer my phone. He sounded sad and he said that he was worried about me and that he thought about me a lot and he missed me and that he loved me. It made me smile, but it felt weird. I’ve never had a friend tell me they loved me and the shitty thing about it is I know that if I were to have answered the phone, I would have been mean to him. If Allie would have called me I would have been mean to her too. It’s like I can help it, the feeling to ruin whatever little friendships I have is overwhelming. And even though it doesn’t seem much better to ignore them, I know that’s the least painful of ways to potentially burn bridges. And I don’t really want to burn bridges, I just feel incapable of being a friend. I’m stuck in my head a lot, and I’m mad and disgusted with myself and any kind word from anyone feels undeserved and I just want to lash out. My poor father, who has taken me in and has been my support 100% during this whole panic disorder and agoraphobia ordeal is starting to feel my coldness. And I just hate it so much.

My therapist understands that anxiety and depression go hand in hand, so even though I’m mainly in there for anxiety, the past couple of weeks we’ve ended up focusing on the depression. I’ve been seeing her for about a month now, and yesterday was the first time I decided I kind of liked her as a person. I didn’t really like her a first. She’s young and I just felt like she wasn’t quite helping, but yesterday things just felt good. I felt like she was listening to what I really had to say and she was joking and I don’t know, it felt nice. Considering I felt like hell before going in, it was a relief to really kind of feel better afterwards, like I had gotten a good load off my chest. Unfortunately, it’s just still talking, which does help, but nothing is really solved yet. I’m praying to whoever will listen that it’s just that time of the month, because things have been really rough and I’ve partially convinced myself that it’s the zoloft. Which I had problems with when I was younger and on it for depression. But we’ll see. I’m starting to get sick which is fantastic, so maybe I’ll get to see the doctor again and possibly change my medication.

Anyway, I feel like I’ve been sitting forever, but I feel fairly coherent hence the long blog.


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