I don’t know what faith I have in people anymore. It is easy to state and hard to live by the statement that, in the end, you have little control over how people think of and treat you. I feel like during school, I thought that if only I acted a certain way, if I acted weaker than I was, or played the victim that people would be kinder to me. That may have worked for other people in my social circle but it just left me open for others to finish the job of walking all over me.

Going back next year I have to accept that I cannot make anyone, espically people from my past care about me. If they want to repeat past actions or even make up worse ones, I can’t control that. I can control how I take in those actions. Even now, writing about this brings up memories replayed in my head a million times. It makes my heart ache and my eyes brim with tears. I feel like I have been used as a garbage bag, to be filled with other people’s insecurities and problems by blaming everything on me. All I can say, even just in my head, even if I don’t believe it, is that I control my future and it does not have to be dependent on those who don’t trully care about me.

I don’t believe it right now, but I hope someday the words and actions of others won’t weigh on me so unbearingly. Instead of thinking this, I want to tell the people who’ve hurt me what they did and why it destroyed me. I want them to see my pain and acknowledge how hard it has been(as of now I blame a big chuck of my breakdown on their actions). But I don’t think any of these people are big enough to do this(hell I’m not sure if anyone is).

People walk around like nothing has happened other than that I couldn’t hack it. I feel like they don’t see how much of an impact they had…ganging up on me talking behind my back, isolating me..it angers me that I stay up some nights feeling reccuring anger and pain while they blissfully skate through their "perfect" lives with a "clear" conscience.

I can acknowledge that I cannot make these people feel bad for the past, but…do I still want to be friends with someone who can do that next year?