About a month ago I had a 12 day streak of work and I was toying with the idea of calling off from J.C. Macydale's. I decided I needed the money too much and tried to tough it out, but found myself so anxious and upset when I got there that I had to ask my manager to let me go home.

DH immediately thought the worst when I walked through the door. The first thing out of my mouth was "I didn't get fired and I didn't quit. I got permission to come home." Still, he decided I must have done or said something to get in trouble and a fight ensued. I sat down with him and begged him to sit and listen to me without turning it into a fight. I told him I was too exhausted to fight and I just needed him to hear me.

Long story short, (too late) I spilled about how I wasn't okay and haven't been for months.I was at the end of my rope and I could no longer take him making me feel as though my depression was something I needed to hide just to keep from bothering him. I told him that we weren't going to last if I was made to feel ashamed about something I will probably live with, on and off, for the rest of my life.

It took a few tries and a complete melt-down for DH to stop trying to fight with me and he appologized for having a lousy bedside manner. He told me he'd try to be more sensative about it and we talked about getting me back on meds.

The strange thing was that the next day, I was still really emotional and sketchy, but the day after that, I felt nothing at all. I was very mellow, almost numb to everything. Not a bad kind of numb. I was comfortable with it. I feel fine now.

While we were on vacation, we got on the subject of our relationship and I admitted that there are times when it takes me months to stop feeling upset about things–such as the dreaded baby issue. I told him that he knows that it's an important issue for me and that I sometimes struggle very hard not to resent him over it. I told him I was sorry if hearing that hurt his feelings and he said "No, I need to hear that stuff sometimes."

I was sort of impressed, because there has been so much that he hasn't been receptive to hearing that I have become used to keeping things to myself to avoid one of our exhausting fights.

He asked me if I was willing to change my entire life and sacrifice my time to raise a kid and I said I was. He expressed his concerns about a kid putting a strain on our marriage and I told him that our concern and efforts are probably what we need to keep that from happening.

Then, a couple days ago, we went for dinner and had a few drinks before running to Meijer to pick up some odds and ends we needed for the house. As we walked past the baby clothes, I picked up these tiny newborn sized, pink cheeta-print pajamas with "Daddy's Little Sweetheart" or some such crap patched on the front and waved it under his nose.

"Did you read that?" I asked, just sort of teasing him. "We should make a little person to put in these pajamas."

"Okay," DH said. I scoffed and called him a jokingly called him a liar and a drunkard. He always bluffs and then balks when I call him on it. "No, seriously. Let's see what happens."

"Seriously?" I asked.

"I want a girl." he tells me.

Yesterday, I half-jokingly told him I knew he was drunk when he started agreeing to make a baby with me and he looked at me with a serious expression and said he knew what he'd said. I still didn't believe him though. This wasn't the first time he was like, "I'll get you pregnant if that's what you want", only to turn around and give me 100 reasons why it was a disasterous idea.

But tonight was the first time we've ever been intimate without him asking me if it was safe.