For the first time in over a week she texted me, starting with a "Hi". I replied in kind, to which she said "How are you". I asked honestly, or just being polite? "Honestly" she replied. So, I let her know I was scared. Scared I might only be able to feel my baby kick 2 or 3 times, scared I may not be there for thefirst few steps, scared I won't be there to rub her back when it hurts because of the extra pressure, scared I may not be able to make her my tuna noodle casserole that she wanted to try. I said "Honestly, that's how I feel. So, what's up?" All she had to say after all of that was "Nuttin, sittin here watching TV." I'm trying to ignore that I laid it all out there and she didn't have anything to say about it and focus on the fact she messaged me first. She's supposed to be stopping by today or tomorrow to drop off a laptop we bought from Best Buy on my store credit so I can return it before we're stuck with it. She isn't really using it and she said she can use the money for baby stuff or new clothes since half of hers don't fit anymore. We were going to alternate months for making payments but things have since changed. I'm not sure how the meeting will go, or what all will be said, but I'm going to try to not push. I feel like I'm meeting an abused dog for the first time and it's slowly trying to get used to me. I need to keep my cool, have patience, and try to be gentle. Worst case scenario (on the good side) will be we end up as friends. If we're friends then I'm sure she would let me sleep on her couch on occasion to spend time with my baby. I'm hoping we end up in a relationship again, but friends is better than being at odds.

If you noticed I'm saying "my baby" instead of "our baby", that's thanks to one of my good friends who has become more of a big sister to me over the last 10 years or so. I was feeling really depressed and lonely so I went over to her place on Sunday to spend some time with her and her 2 kids (a son who is12 and a daughter that is 10) and talk about the situation. I'vesortabecome their uncle since their father isn't in the picture unless it benefits him and they don't have another father figure to look up to. She had a basket of pinecones on her kitchen table and every time I said our baby, our kid, or anything other than my baby she threw one at me lol. Her take on it was me saying anything but my baby was keeping my child and the situation at arms length. I saw it the same as 2 people in ahousehold with their names on a car they share. Neither of them own the car, it's theirs together. They both contribute to the payments, so it's theirs. I saw my baby the same way (not literally like an object, but figuratively). It's not mine or hers, it's ours. I did see her point though. When I go to pick my child up from daycare will I say I'm here to get our child? No, I'd say my child. I gave in and started calling the baby my baby and I gotta admit, it really is a proud feeling and I do feel like I am taking responsibility on a different level. I'm still a bit worried it may come across as I'm trying to take our baby from her but I hope that's not the case. I still want us to do this together.

Anyways, that's where the situation stands now. A baby step in the right direction. Gotta start somewhere, right? Depending on how things go I might end up at my friends house this weekend playing Minecraftwith the young adults. I haven't spent much time over there for the last year since I started working 2ndshift and I've missed them. Now that I have one of my own on the way I need to start looking at things differently and learn some parenting skills lol. Their mother already said she expects to see more of me from now on heh. After all, they do have a niece or nephew on the way 🙂 Parenting… I'll try to focus on the thought of how good it must feel to fall asleep with a sleeping baby in your arms. I know it's not all fun and cheery moments but I do believe those moments make it worth while.


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