If you could, would you want to just fade away into nothingness?

My answer is yes. Some days are different than others but regardless, inside I am falling further into this depression more than I know. I question if I am capable at all to do anything in life. I sought out a drive and found nothing. I don't know what I am searching for in life. I am not even sure about whether I can help anybody in life. Who the fuck am I kidding in life? Whenever I get like this, I don't know why I even breathe at all. I tear into my flesh with a knife… for what I wonder? This pain eventually fades away and all that remains are scars. I watch films I enjoyed today, and cried because there isn't anybody to enjoy them with me. How stupid of a premise is that when you write about yourself in that sense? I guess… I'm really saying is that i don't really know how much strength I actually have left in me to actually live. When I think about the things I should be doing and how I could live and all that comes out of it are questions of why am I still living.

There's a type of frustration that comes with this depression I suppose. I don't know nor see what's the meaning in living. It's like my memories I carry are a lie and this… all this is just a memory of what was lost when I had died. Maybe love, a future, a drive in this life will never exists within me. Maybe I am just a trigger pull away from being forgotten. I don't even know what I am saying now. I feel like I'm just drowning in this miserable life I've created. That all things happened because I was destined to suffer.

The question I guess I should actually ask is not whether you would wish to fade away, but if you did fade into nothingness, would you be willing to give up that glimpse of hope that has survived till now?

I don't know anymore…

1 Comment
  1. Atropos 11 years ago

     When I die, by my own hand or whatever other reason, I want everything about me to cease to exist.  I don't want a grave, I don't want my ashes spread over some geographical area.  I want my remains put somewhere where no one I know knows.  I want all photographs destroyed, all memories forgotten.  I want utter nothingness.

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