They say everyone has issues, some range more severe than others and everyone always seems to have an answer of how to solve them except those resolutions make no sense to the individual suffering. Now I am not saying that there aren't learned behaviors and remedies that do not commonly work for a mass majority I just wish people understood or had empathy that everyone is different in their recovery process, everyone has different coping mechanisms in order to be able to participate in daily life, but what happens when you are in between being able to figure it all out? Does it make sense I fear being around other people? Does it make sense I look at my car as if its an inevitable death trap trying to conceal me in its grips? Does it make sense a random thought can spiral into a series of emotions that all end in the doom that was once your happy life. If you are answering no that does not make sense we are on the same wave length. How do I tell my subconscious that everything is going to be ok? How do I expect others not to judge when I myself do not understand what is wrong with me? The only thing that brings me peace is knowing I am not the only one suffering from the ailment we call anxiety. How can they say that anxiety disorders are a learned behavior when everyone is this world has and understands what anxiety is. Have you ever been driving down the highway at night or even a back road, a deer jumps out and you barely miss it, your heart skips a beat you may even get a cold chill but within seconds you realize you are fine and that warm sensation comes back to you as awwwww you may even let out a nervous laugh, now imagine that panic for a moment, ALL THE TIME!!! How would your body react? What would you do to resolve that feeling? If the answer you are seeking is not coming to mind you are like many millions of other Americans out there. Each individual on this planet is a different person and therefore has different personalities not one person is the exact same as another. Our mind is so valuable a tool God granted us all different ones to use and all react differently to different scenarios, for example I once would drive my car as a release, roll down the window feel the breeze touch my face, my favorite song on the radio as I would sing along I would notice how blue the sky was or how the clouds look like different people or animals, and how I thought God is so brilliant to be able to create such a remarkable beautiful place, I would always follow the same roads the same path to the same creek where I would park my car get out and just listen the water flow over the rocks making its way down stream, I often would imagine where that water has been and the journey each particle would go on and thought that it would be amazing to be such a part of nature. That one drive alone would de stress me for a month my thoughts always seemed clearer, my decision making always seemed much more crisp and definitive, no second guesses here. How I long to be this person that didn't have a care in the world, how I long to be the individual I once was that said hello to stress and goodbye within seconds of it appearing to glare its evil glance. As I lay here in my room, my safe place I also realize the outside word doesn't offer much remedy for individuals suffering from this ailment as you cannot physically see it. Someone breaks their arm everyone knows where to go right? Someone has a fever or is ill its really a no brainer right? What happens and where do you go when you break your spirit? When you feel all hope is lost but nothing has changed.. at least according do what society tells us. My own medical doctor has told me I need to just relax. Ha I remember that moment as this undeniable animal instinct took over I had envisioned myself just grappling him how dare you tell me to just relax, that's like telling a guy with a compound fracture to rub some dirt on it. This world we live in is so fast paced so undeniable reluctant to stop and take a look around once in awhile and admire the most beautiful things in this life, like life in general like being able to breathe hoping its not your last breath or looking at something you once enjoyed and being able to continue to do it. Or just go on a walk down the street without being in fear of your neighbors and others. What do we as American take for granted most? That answer is very simply. EVERYTHING!!!! its really not our fault it is the way we were all raised, and process in which we start the very moment we have our own conscience is horrible, strive to get better grades, strive to get into that better school, strive for that position that pays a little bit better but comes with a plethora of extra responsibility. What happened and why is it so impossible to just strive to be able to compete to have the health and mind to be able to read and comprehend. Isn't comprehension and communication about the only thing that separates us from the animal world? We were all granted the wisdom and the only thing that should be able to stop what we learn is our own imagination. Now let me clarify that for a moment, I mean realistically in this day and age isn't the only thing holding us back on anything our own imagination of what we perceive as possible? I should be able to talk myself out of an anxiety attack without a problem because I am a rational human being. I mean I am able to comprehend and communicate, however it seems like I can communicate to everyone except my own self conscience. What does this mean? I am very well aware my emotions are irrational yet they are still there and why? Does anyone else out there feel like this? I know you are not crazy nor am I… I think… With that being said is the only answer to stay in my safe zone? Where anxiety does not exist. I know I know the answer to that is NO that is not healthy. So let me share with you what I have learned about this disorder thus far, it is not selective, it strives to make you feel sick and weak, it can strike at anytime, and worst of all no one will be able to explain it to you or empathize with you unless they have experienced it for themselves in which case it feels like the blind leading the blind, learning coping mechanisms. Here is the major problem! I do not want to cope that is not good enough for me, I hold myself to a higher expectation. I want to beat it. I expect to beat it. Now with that being said how is this done? I have been to a therapist, heart doctor, ER doctor, general family doctor, Do I just need to visit my own soul to find the answers? That is a scary place to go alone my thoughts are what is getting me into the predicament in the first place. Do I over analyze everything? You bet I do! Don't we all? I have been put on anti depressants and given anti anxiety medication. Now the anti depressant got thrown out the window when I didn't even feel like a human being on them more like I would imagine a vegetable feels like I would rather feel pain than nothing at all. The anti anxiety I use as little as possible however do not slow my mind down at all. It kind of makes me feel like an over active mind in a 90 year old frail body. I am trying my best to be as detailed as possible so you can get a mental image, perhaps the best thing I can do is explain a normal day. I wake up prior to my alarm clock going of with a horrible stomach ache similar to being nauseated but with cramps as well in my whole body, I listen to a relaxation CD that all but makes me feel like I am in a coma dreaming then the realization I have to wake up and start the day is petrifying. What am I scared of I ask myself. I have no freaking idea!!! is it the thought of getting into my car? Maybe. Is it the thought of losing control? Perhaps. Where are these thoughts stemming from? Physically I am fine.. According to doctors anyway. Its kind of hard for any one more especially a strong willed individual to believe nothing is physically wrong with them when at any certain moment the world can be spinning and your heart can be jumping out of your throat. I have taken all the physical tests to ensure my body is ok. Blood tests, Cat scan, heart monitor. Ok what the heck do I do now? I force myself into my death trap I mean car and get to work to only be in there an hour and start to feel a bit claustrophobic. That's a strange feeling when you are used to doing this everyday. Then wait a minute its getting difficult to breath, let me clear my throat get some water. ok I have this under control, why am I getting light headed ok shake your head shrug it off, I am fine. Wait I need a drink again , I cant breath, gosh I am getting dizzy, my chest hurts, oh my god I am having a heart attack, I tell myself no you are fine lets count backwards, HA yeah right the only thing I know is I need to be outside I need out of this room. NOW!!! Oh my goodness my peers are seeing this they are going to think I am crazy!!. Then I leave go home and feel disappointment in myself the moment my heart rate drops and I am ok at least ok in my mind for a little while. That is my day in a nutshell, fearing sleep isn't unusual I do not want the bad dreams, but wait if I go to sleep now the morning will be here to soon and then I have to start this all over again, even on the weekends its a constant countdown until Monday. What gives? Am I crazy? No, I suffer from an anxiety disorder. So strange to think I fear what other people think when anyone that knows me knew a few weeks ago that just wouldn't be the case. The most important things in my world didn't need approval from anyone other than me. So I will continue to listen to my relaxation CD's I will continue to read blogs on how to beat it. I will probably even continue to purchase natural remedies and self help books online. Yes I said continue. My frustration with myself grows not by the day or even the hour but with every passing minute, my tolerance for myself is almost non existent which makes me not blame anyone else for judging me for this, which again is totally out of character for someone like myself especially because I know I will be judged by the only person that can judge me and that is God. So I will continue to watch out the window as others lives continue down their path and wonder when I will be able to participate again. Knowing the only thing holding me back is my subconscious is a strange feeling, your subconscious can very easily be confused for what common sense feels like. Common sense says don't put your life at unnecessary risk the sub conscience cannot determine what is a valid risk and fears everything to protect its number 1 which is you and your well being. The outside world doesn't reject who you are. It doesn't understand who you are and that is fine because in scenarios where you are having an anxiety attack you yourself do not understand who you are anymore. You are just supposed to inherently know everything is going to be ok? Hmmm does anyone else see my struggle? I realize people may condemn such a thought process as self destruction or saying I am my own worst enemy but how can that be true when all I am trying to do is make sure I am taken care of? It is a vicious cycle however no less real than death an taxes. How do you talk to your sub conscience? How do you change an instinct? I guess the short answer is you do not. You adapt yourself however; When is adapting self destructing? When you find yourself living an unhealthy lifestyle isolating yourself in silence and not sharing with others how you feel. Your emotions are always valid. I plead to you to always remember that. No matter how irrational you perceive them to be always express them, its necessary for your soul to know it can speak if it feels like it cant it will send your body into a whirlwind of emotions that feels unbearable. I guess truly knowing an anxiety attack cannot kill is good however it certainly does not feel that way a the time. I guess overall everyone's own answers are in dealing with this is in their own head and heart, how do we unlock the answers we so desperately need? I guess that is up to each and every one of us individually. I guess some people do not realize that health is not only a physical luxury but a spiritual one as well because the mind and soul can convince the body of almost anything, including health. Where do I go from here?


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