Last night, I went on to an OCD chat room.
My intentions were to talk to people suffering with OCD. I don't know anyone in real life with OCD, and i'm don't have any "online friends" who I can talk to either.
My OCD has been quite bad for the past week and was hoping to just vent with people who are sick of their OCD too.
I spoke to a guy called Kriss. I added him on MSN as the chat room was lagging a lot. We spoke for about half an hour.
After talking to him, and finding out he was in the same situation as me, (not knowing anyone who suffers and not having anyone to talk to) we agreed to talk again some time. It felt good at the time to have a rant about it and actually talk to another person with some of the same OCD's as me.
However, this morning I woke up feeling sadder than usual and I think it's because I finally got to talk about it.
It made me more aware of what I was doing and made me feel guilty that I was doing it too.
Mostly though, it made me feel guilty that I had to go out of my way to find a stranger to talk to rather than a close friend, my boyfriend or my family. But I suppose I don't talk to them because I know as much as they try to understand, they just can't.
I'm scared that they will see me as a bit mental, or act as if it's not a big deal when it actually affects quite a lot of my life, or generally ask me to stop moaning.
Anyway, I realised that I can deal with this problem a lot more if I don't talk about it. I'm not sure if that's a good thing, because really i'm just supressing it.
Talking about it for me, made me a whole lot more aware of what I was doing and made me worry more about it, which in turn made my OCD's worse.