Well, here we go. Apparently another upswing is beginning…I feel the beginning of the restless, antsy need to go DO stuff, and I mean right now.
I know what I'm dealing with. But I've decided that instead of doing things I'll truly regret later, I'm going to allow myself a little creative leeway. Today I've decided I'm going to dye my hair some very intense colors- fuschia, teal and midnight blue. Just streaks though. I think it'll be beautiful and I'll have fun with it.
My husband understands these mood shifts pretty well. During one of my last hypomanic episodes I decided I was going to go get another tattoo- one on my foot depicting the tree of life. Instead he bought me an entire Henna kit so that I could create my own "temporary" tattoos. I love this man- he gets it, lol. He understands that my ideas are too big at these points, and he manages to find other options that are usually less destructive.
I actually got my nose pierced last time, something I've always wanted to do but felt like I couldn't because of being a teacher, and I loved it. But I had forgotten that my body doesn't accept piercings well, and after 2 months my body finally completely rejected the post and closed up. In my right thinking I would have accepted that and NOT even tried it to begin with because now I have a small scar on the side of my nose from the piercing.
My thoughts about my current idea is that when I do work these days it's either as customer service at a music store (we're all weird in some way or another) or as a cashier, and they don't care about hair color. Since I'm not teaching right now I don't have to worry about it.
I have my doubts I'll ever be able to teach again- at least not in public schools. If I understand correctly I'm considered a risk to the students since I committed myself to the psychiatric crisis unit. I don't know if there is a statute of limitations on this type of thing, but the truth is I can't handle it anyhow. As much as I love teaching, I cannot hold it together to make it through an entire semester, let alone a school year. I've accepted that this is something the illness has taken from me, and I'm angry about it, but I have to come to terms with the fact that I have limitations now if I want to stay fairly stable.
I hope you all are doing okay today. I wish you all a bit of beauty and kindness in dealing with yourself. You have to love yourself and remind yourself that you are NOT your illness. It's no different than having something like diabetes or some other illness like that. It's all about management. There are going to be really bad days, and for many of us they make up a big percentage of our days total. But try to find some optimism- cling to some kind of positive idea or happy thought to get you through. Don't fall into the trap of believing what your impaired brain is telling you- that is the illness talking, not the real you. Be brave and tell it to "Shut the HELL up!".