–Was there an "X-factor" that did me in–or if it by itself didn't do me in–did it contribute to the depression?( What this "X-factor" consists of, I unfortunately can't go into details here–to me, it's too personal. I assure you it's nothing that involves any kind of harm to anyone, and it's actually something that a lot of people who–if anyone even reads this at all–might not consider to be that big of a deal. But I don't feel comfortable being upfront about it nonetheless. If it's something you really want to know about–and/or if it's something that, if you knew the exact details of, you think you might be able to lend better input to me on this situation, let me know, and I will gladly tell you….again, to anyone out there who might be reading this)
–And lastly, there's this to consider…what if…the depression..the anxiety/panic attacks…I never wondered about this as much as I did this morning when I dealt with this bout of those twin evils, but…I just couldn't help but wonder….what if they are just "there"–what if there's no legit reason or reasons that I am assulted by these demons, what if there never HAS BEEN all along?….I mean, what if it has nothing to do with painful incidents and failures and memories of the past and anxiety and worry and fear about the future, what if it has nothing to do with a "chemical imbalance"…and there's no "reason" why it's there, which would mean…there's no solution for it either? Damn it….I don't know how to express this clearly in words, trying to here, but feel I'm struggling to do so…what I'm saying is that, even in my darkest of moments, even when the depression and/or panic attacks have been at their worst, I have always believed that there MUST be a reason or reasons for it, but I obviously didn't know for certain what those reasons were, but with that belief that, if there IS some REASON for it, there was the subsequent hope buried deep down even in the midst of whatever horrific darkness was encumbering me at the time that there, in-turn, must be an ANSWER for it–ie something that can conquer the hell that is depression and anxiety. Meaning: if it's a chemical imbalance, then eventually, the right meds will help. If it's something or things from the past and/or agony and fear of the future, than the right kind of therapy will eventually help me conquer the demons. Or a combination of all those…but…the very frightening feeling entered my mind when I was trying to consider what was setting off the demons this morning: Maybe there IS no reason why they are there–they're just simply…THERE–they just simply decided to "show up." And if there's no legit reason why they're there, then there's no possible answers as to what can chase them away for good., right?…I want to be wrong about this; I NEED to be wrong about this. Because if I'm right about it, that would mean there's no hope…and I definitely can't survive without that.
..Thanks to anyone out there who was actually able to take the time to read through what I'm sure mostly sounded like drivel. Sorry if it lacked the kind of "good-wrting" that I know that I would certainly prefer, or if it was too difficult to comprehend and ultimately headache-inducing.