This may end up being a textbook case of "Morph, don't blog when you're sleep-deprived". But let's rolll the diice and see which numbers pop up. At the moment I'm mentally weighing up whether I've made the right decision by sticking around.
On the one hand, I acknowledge that I've got good qualities. I have a string sende of honour, compassion and a strong desire to pursue a life of helping people, especially those trying to navigate their way through some of the dark terrain with which I'm so deeply familiar. I have sound basis of paychology upon which to build. I've been told people tell me (and people who already work in such areas) that I seem to have a good way with people, in terms of establishing a comfortable rapport (Hell! I've even stopped making jokes like "who knew?" and "Wow! those Drama lessons really paid off"….Yep. Accepting compliments, still not exactly a strength). On the other, I look at the wreckage of some of the fundamental aspects of my life – the result of a very wilfully and deliberately directed wrecking ball I put through it (and apologies for that disturbing mental image because, seriously, Myley Cyrus, I ain't!!) – and feel a distinct sense of shame and guilt at accepting any help in redressing the situation. It's not like things just "got on top of me". I had a good job, a manageable mortgage (which is still hanging in the balance at present) and other aspects of my life that were, while not perfect, were alot more retreiveable than they are now. I was speaking to a counsellor (of sorts) earlier this evening, telling her about my fears about whether I perceive myself as strong enoughto get through this. Whether I deserve the opportunity, given my predicament as deliberatelywrought at my own hand. Whether I'm "good" enough or worthy enough to justify the efforts in rebuilding things.Even hearing myself giving voice to such self-piteous utterances caused needles of shame to pierce my conscience, causing even more self-flagellation and question even more whether I've "backed the right or wrong horse" in sticking around up to now. She suggested that there's a vague possibility that I may be being a little bit hard on myself (she has a deliciously dry sende of humour – I love it!!).
In summation, it comes down to making a decision, one way or the other. Committing fully, acknowledging and accepting all the relevant ramifications that accompany it (good as well as the difficult and awkward). Oh dear God!! My virtual jottings are starting to read as if I've swallowed a cheap self-help book. I reallyamtired. I'd better stop here before I veer off on to a "peace, love and all that crap" tangent!
Hope all you awesome tribespeople are good/OK/hanging in (no pass or fail, it's multiple choice)
Take care and go wtih love (OK! it's official. Isoooneed sleep.