I got a raise today. 


My husband may be up for a position (and thus a raise) pretty soon.


I feel like life is going well. My husband was even talking about how we could afford a new car, and I was pretty dumbstruck. I\'m going down to my college this week to apply for scholarships. Right now, I have enough to pay for everything except textbooks, and I need a little extra for a car. I\'m hoping those scholarships will give me the little extra breathing room I need. I really don\'t want to take out a giant student loan, but I really need a car.


Still haven\'t talked to my husband about the tattoo, and I still miss Aaron like hell. 


I was watching TV today, and one of the characters was talking about how just being near something that one of her dead loved ones had been by was comforting. And I decided that instead of going to work and thinking about how much I missed Aaron, I am going to go to work, and if I happen to think about him, I\'m going to feel close to him. And I\'m going to think about the time at graduation when he talked the whole time about tripping, maybe even taking the principal down with him, all on purpose. 


And I\'ll sing the little hymn they sang at his funeral, because I know I\'ll see him one day. When I die, Hallelujah, by and by, I\'ll fly away.



This is going to sound pretty stupid: but sometimes I get frustrated because I miss him so much, but he doesn\'t come visit me in a dream or anything to tell me he\'s okay. He doesn\'t come to assure me that he\'s an Angel. It makes me wonder if he\'s been to see… ANYONE. You\'ve got all the time in the world, Aaron. Why can\'t you just give me some peace?

But maybe he\'s just testing me. He doesn\'t want me to KNOW about all the things I shouldn\'t KNOW yet. He just wants me to believe. 


I wish I did. Maybe I wouldn\'t feel so ripped up inside if I had something to believe in. I feel like holding my bible close. 


In some sick selfish way, I still feel like he did this to send a message to me. I\'m trying to understand Aaron. I really am. I promise.


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