Monday 4th December,2017

Today was my first day of my internship , im starting with the internal medicine rotation.the rotation is going to be for 2 months. Today was hard as I have dissociation fuge, I was bearly able to see around me , I had blurry vision , headache, tension.last night i decided to increase my medications. I honestly im afraid my medications will finish.today i saw one child with sickle cell anemia , I saw how her mother was worry about her.I also saw two women in the ER with pulmonary embolism. One with respiratonal pneumonia. I hope all patients will be fine and come back to their life and their families.

about me maybe I need to stop thinking about myself only at lest for sometimes.its not like i need to give blind eye or ignore my issues. Just to give time to everything in equality.

Tuesday , 6th of februry , 2018

I have just started my third rotation in my internship year which is dermatology the specility of my dream i hope  i will be a dermatologist in the near future , i love dermatology because i wont have to deal with death i supposed or emergency sitaution, today i wake up at 9:00 a.m and i left my parents house at 9:30 i arrived about 10:00  and i think i missed some cases in the outpatient clinc i saw a patient with hair loss she almost does not have hair left only a few , i felt sad about her the rest of patients they were differenciate between psoriasis to skin warts mostly skin warts i did not know that its so much common in saudi arabia , i remember i had it when i was 7 or 8 years old , it was strange feeling.

Thursday,8th of february , 2018

Today finally i went t0 the hospital after missing 2 days in one week , for sure its caused by oversleeping due to the medications im taking.today i did not see much cases because obviously i arrived to the hospital at 10:00 a.m and i missed for sure many cases of patients.right now i have a lot of issues financial issues , decisions to make about my specialty my constant feelings that no one cares. i reached to the conclusion that even if no one cares i just need to care about my myself.today i saw a case of skin tag , dry skin , some discoloration , contact eczema and for sure skin warts. I decided to go back and work with my previous therapist which was my therapist for 2 years and i feel good about my decision i hope its for the good.

Tuesday,13th of feb , 2018

today i wake up at 7:30 a.m ,but was so bored to get up from the bed so i finally wake up at 8:00 a.m and i arrived to the hospital at 9:30 i wanted to go to my hometown hospital , but i thought i will be so late to work so i just plan to go tomorrow.today at work at the dermatology department i saw cases of warts , psoriasis and vetiligo

Monday , 5th of march,2108

Today as usual i wake up late due to the taking of my medications , i was in struggle to wake up or not but i finally got up to see wethar i will start my new month of internship or not , i came to the hospital and i asked about the dr responsible for the Emergency Medicine training. in fact i dont know what to think . i went to her the first time and she was like so arrugant. i dont know how much i dont like arrogant people she was like you had to start on thursday. i have told her that i had my final day in dermatology on thursday.im supposed to start on sunday which is the 4th of march , she said the weekends we counted them as absences like there is no weekend on emergency medicine, i had to go like 2 times to the internship director to ask him to correct me the dates and thank god she accepted me finally.but again from the bignning its my mistake im the one i had to come on Thursday and i had to give her the papers on thursday and i need to be started on that date i should have postponed that, she has nothing to do with my psychological problems , fear of people or my anxity she just want to do her job properly. i think 3 months is more then enough to adapt on things.now that i graduated , my financial status is better.i need to focus more and do my job better. in just  in life there things you can not buy with money , but you can just create the situation you like so you can feel good inside and outside. I just want to do my job better and focus more and i will try my best to do that with god help and my efforts and hopefully things will be better.

Monday , 12th of march,2018

Today I wake up sadly at 6:00 a.m , i have now ER rotation for one month. its really difficult and intense today i saw a 43 year old female patient , who had bleeding due to femoral catheterization , honestly the bleeding was not intense but her hemoglobin level was 6.5 thats why the dr had refered her to internal medicine department i guess to nephrology department. thats the only patient i saw today. i guess i miss Poland and Europe in general, the scholarship will be opened in the month after Ramadan. i guess its called shawal in arabic , im planning to apply for the scholarship and hopefully they will accept me this time to Germany , I really want to go alone without parents , i dont know why my parents are so attached to me , i just want to experience life as an adult person, at the same time i want to be safe and healthy i hope so. sometime i feel so sick from this internship but i need to keep going so i can finish it hopefully.now i need to return to work hopefully all will be good.

Tuesday, 20th of march , 2018

Today I feel horrible cause i have to come to the hospital for work , its only 10 days left and i will finish with ER rotation , so fare im thinking have I learn enough in fact i have no idea , those days i feel very stupid thinking about marriage all of the time , thinking will ever find myself a partner who accept me as im , i know i need to focus more on my work not on men in general , but i just can not help it.back to today what i have seen so fare first when i arrived at the ER the dr asked me today to ask the patient about his history and do for him a physical exam, what he had was a lump or a mass in his face and my diagnosis is right he has hopefully just inflammatory mass due to some infection the senior doc prescribe him antibiotic and hopefully the mass will reduce in size, in a couple of days.the other patient is too funny situation its not funny to him for sure , the patient brother has bited his finger and the tip of the finger was cutt off.what other problem do i have right the dissociation is improving , but not completely as the sensation of the morning time  is different i prefer the night to work , but obviously i cant work at night now its possible because its ER rotation , but next rotation will not be possible.sometime i think i dont know what to do in my life , i know that i want to be good and just move on, but i think what gives value to life. In the past i thought having a child means everything , or being a dr , its just this question is pumping all the time in my head what gives value to life , my dr told me whats important in life is love, I know thats true , but what if you give love but you dont recieve any, in that situation you just start to doubt things is there an equality in life , is the destiny fair. I believe its not about fairness god (allah) created us differently like black and white , short and tall , its not about equality its about being different and unique.

21.03.2108

Today i wake up at 7:30 a.m and i went to the hospital , currently im at the ER Department , today i feel so much better then yesterday , yesterday was a complete mess like i had very bad evaluation and i was crying the whole day , what else i called my therapist and i told him about what happened , i think he had help me alote during my study and i think its good to go and work with him on my dissociation problems, what else i  recieved a good evaluation today, thanks god. i have been thinking about new question those day do i care about the patient , i guess the important thing is not about you , caring about the patient or not its about you doing whats you are supposed to do.

22.03.2018

Today i wake up at 7:00 a.m and i was so tired , even though i slept yesterday the whole day and i guess it was not enough , so sadly i wake up and i called the driver to come and take me to the hospital. i arrived nearly at 8:00 a.m and i meet a dr from sudan she was nice , but obviously knows alot butter then my reculas knowledge any way every day i say im going to change , like i will start to study and focus , try to eat healthy and go to the gym , but i end up going home and sleeping on my face because im so tired and i wish if i was learning and doing something important , everyone just treating me as a shit like im not the real doctor yet it just feels awful but again i guess everyone is different i guess like my mom say your fingers are not the same so , you dont expect people to be the same everyone just have different background different view about life and you just need to accept that try to change what you can really change and accept what you can not change.about today patients i saw 2 kids with wounds that needed to be sutured, a baby with second degree burn that will be admitted to the hospital.there was an elderly woman who needed to change her nasogastric tube and she has Alzahimer disease its really sad case another woman with stroke.

26.03.2108

Today i wake up at  6:30 a.m well i was just feeling so tired , but i wake tired but relaxed ,as yesterday i sepent 3 hours in the swaimming pool in the gym. some people was treating me stupidly, because im obese and was looking at me and one of the triners said why your face is looking this way as if you were about to cry , which made me so unhappy. but i just tried to ignore her , because at the end if she was laughing at me , what can i do for sure i can not be violent because i will not recieve anything , what i can do is just ignore her and if i want to loss wieght its not because i dont want people to laugh at me , again i just wanted because its not good for the health and for sure self esteem , i was 68 kg now im 98 kg because of what i guess mainly because of the medication i take , but i also did not do anything to control this rapid wight gain , this is whats important what you do is what matters , not what you wanted to do or you intend to do ! well in my religion intentions is very important as we say works are based on intentions and every mankind has what he intended to do. for sure whats important is good intentions. what you have in your heart what matters.another issue those days is about religion and about god and is life is fair , i think god is fair what is not fair in life is the people anyhow you just can not define religion in one day its very big topic i was a very faithful person then i just start doughting everything , me as ahuman , god fairness but i just dont want to go to hill. i can be faithful again or regain my faith i just need to grow my faith again and i can do this i guess by practicing my religion. obviously i entered philosophy and i forgot to write about today cases. today i had kind of stricket supervisor, but she is kind good to be around , she is not shouting or things as that. what have seen is first case was intersting she had failler injection and her face swallowed  up . 2) abcess formation in the right arm 3) sickle cell patient 4) abdominal pain 5) concussion 6)vomiting and dehydration. i hope god will give mercy and give me better days .

Thursday 28.03.2018

Today I wake up not that late thankfully , after missing 2 days from work today i just i had to get up and show up to work things are improving lately , thanks to god, today was funny i did not do a thing and i had my papers signed which is good and bad i know, its only 2 days left to finish from the ER , i cant believe that it was good i guess i learned so many things, what i saw mostly is the abscess formation is so common and i did not knew that,next week will be starting in a new hospital i feel good and anxious at the same time, but i will focus on excitement more.i will start with surgery training next week and i hope things will be fine.what else , yesterday i had an appointment with new psychiatrist , she taught  me in the university. I don’t know if its good or bad , but i believe in the saying follow your heart.

sunday , 1st of april, 2018

today was my first day at the surgery rotation , well actually i did not see any patitent except for one who had facial palsy, another patient had segmento rectal carcinoma , but i only did some discharge for him.I started the training in a new hospital its better then the previous one.I hope things will be good and will finish the the surgery with good health and good knowledge.i meet 2 doctors and both are surgeons, they give alot of inspiration for sure.

Monday 9th of april,2018

Today was so tough i dont know why i was so stressed at the out-patient department.even though yesterday was nice i went to the  gym and i used the swaimming pool.i attended with a consultant in surgery, i dont know why i felt embarresed i dont know how to act , how to be just normal in front of others.some times i think having an exam is so much easier then talking to people , i know very stupid.i saw alote of patients today with colon cancer who had to be under chemotherapy and need to have surgery even the nurse she was waving at me maybe she thinks i fall a sleep. what makes me more sad is i have no empathy.i guess for sure when you see 10 patients in raw you will just start to lack empathy i guess.sometimes i dont know what to do.in my opinon i need to have some empathy toward patients.even with scinece i used to love scinece no it feels like i fed up with all of it, and i will be much more happier to teach kids scinece at least it will be more intersting.im 27 and still dont what are my values in life.about life valuses it depends on the situation, laying is bad ,but sometime you should used it to be just nice.sometime you dont trust others because you just dont want to get hurted and to just protect yourself.

16/04/2018

Today i wake up lat around 6:30 a.m or 7:00 i arrived at the hospital at 9:00 a.m and i missed the morning round which made me stressed and angry.Now im doing surgery rotation at king Fahad specilist hospital and things are not quit good so fare its always the same issue with being lat or absent i know i have become so careless nowadays and i dont know what to do , i even dont know if i care or not.what i know is i need to learn again how to care and how to trust and how to forgot bad things that happened in the past, for sure not everyone are bad people there are the once who are bad and there are the once who are just dont care , but you still need to believe that there are the once who are good and very good with good heart and good soul just believe it.when you become good just dont expect anything in return just think of it as that you are feeding life as life is feeding you. life is feeding you with the sun and the tress and sound of the birds everyday and you just need to listen and observe things and just be good. nothing bad to you will happen if you just beocme a good person. about today i was lat as usual and everyone is hating me because of my work i made huge mistake last week i was absent on my oncall and did not inform them i dont know how i forgot to tell them.what else today i did not do much i did a note for one patient and i attended the outpatient clinic and now im at the library typing the thing is bothering me is my eyes i feel i dont see in a good way its like fuge or blurry vision or i dont know its just feels bad and sometime i feel so tensed because i dont see proberly i hope my vision will improve soon so i can work better.

Tuesday,24th of April,2018

Today I wake up at around 6:30 a.m and I went to the hospital at around 8:00 a.m when I arrived they already started the hospital round the senior dr asked me to Wait at the ward its c6 male surgical ward and he will call me later , then he called me and asked me to join the consultant, he is colorectal surgeon he is a good man from Italy.he was doing endoscopy to check for any cancer growth in the colon I saw 2 patients one of them was ok and the other one was diagnosed with colon cancer , then I asked the other senior about if he needed anything , but he was behaving as a jerk and I was sad because of the way he is treating me , but , I don’t know when this dissociation will be over or will it be over I just do not know, its hard to see everyone laughing , just reacting normally and for me I just have to think will I lose control , or will I just breakdown and go crying, sometime its even hard to follow what they are saying I just can not concentrate on anything except is my mental state ok which very difficult , I always think I’m gonna talk by myself or something like that , now with the dissociation I feel so different person , I became kind of emotionless , careless , I care about myself only which is not good when you are a physician its not good to be emotionless and careless, I know I have been through a lot , but I need just to forget and move on and I’m trying my best to do that.beck to today situations I did not do much after the endoscopy I went to the library and  I read a couple of things, then the senior resident called me and asked me to put some medications and some labs to 4 patients all of them are under colorectal care , one girl had colictomy and she got severe fungal infection from the operation and its sad case as she is very young she is 18 years old , another patient is 23 years old and she got complication from something but I don’t remember , and man with colon cancer and liver metastasis its very sad case in my opinion the cancer will metastasis  I hope not , but his situation is complicated. thats all for today.when I think what surgeons do they Baer all the stress and anxiety to save someones life its very rewarding feeling I guess.

Sunday ,29th of april, 2018

Today i wake very late and i was so late for work , i wake up at 7:30 a.m and i arrived to the hospital at 9:15 i was happy in the morning i got to use my new mobile i order it from the net on Thursday and they delivered it on saturday its nice mobile from blackberry.about today i arrived to the hospital around 9:15 and i called the senior resident and he asked me to go to the operation theater , the operation was iliostomy it was nice to attend an operation, what else i did not stay long in the operation it finished so soon and i just stayed in the library thinking will gonna get a scholarship from the goverment and if so where will i go , will go to germany or to france and which one of them is better , i can not choose  in germany i have relatives there , but i will be so close to poland and that will remind me of things i dont want to remember at the same time i know you can not just cut off your past , your past will always have some influence on your future even if its minor influence still will have some influence.today when the dr called me to go to the ward and put an medication to the patient , my eyes went so blurry its like i could not focus at all and that made me very sad and anxious and you can call what you want to call it.i just dont know what to do with this dissociation and dissociation fug i know i have some thing wrong with whats called proproception and i read in the net that if i focus on my legs movement it will improve somehow my feelings of the existance of my body whatever it is. i thought about paying the board balance they say it can improve things i hope so. right one nurse was very stupid i called her and she ignored me and that pest me off any how i hope they will pass me this rotation and i will not end up repeating the rotation due to my laziness and bordem.

 

Wednesday , 9th of may, 2018

Today i wake up at 7:30 a.m or 7:00 i honestly do not remember i was so tired that i wanted actually to cry. i went to the hospital at 8:45 a.m and i just was late for the round , when i come back i saw the last patient who had mastectomy and now she is doing fine , we had outpatient clinic today and i saw so many patients , but one patient was so special she was a mother of 4 , 27 years old woman and newly diagnosed with breast cancer, when the dr informed her about her diagnosis she was wispier what about my children what about them who is going to take of them , and she was crying with her husband and her husband cried with her, i honestly wanted to cry with them , i felt a deep sorrow in my heart , like im hearing that question in her heart why me , why all that is happening to me , i just dont know how to answer the question of her heart because life gives us often unanswerable questions

Wednesday , 16th of may , 2018

Today i wake up late as always , i arrived at work at 9:00 a.m i did not attend the morning round i just thought they will not do it i dont know from where i bought this up , i just thought they are too busy and will not do the morning round , i attended the mroning opd i just love the OPD I feel its nice place to be , and i just hate the ward and wards work its so boring , what else i saw many patients all of them have breast cancer , i attended it with dr tariq he is from Egypt he such a nice man , i wish i will be samiler to him one day inshallah he is dedicated to his job and his patients may god heal me and give me the power i need to face all the difficultes in the way inshallah ( means by the power of god) what else i went to the library at work in the hospital and i heard someone say she has mental illness and something about irlend or holand , but i dont know honestly who were they talkin about i hope its not me , i hope they were just talking about some patient some where. i hope i just need to try to forgot about the people who were my friends or i just need to forgot about the person  i gave her my secrets which she was my best friend. i think i just need to think about myself not people, put my mental health a little bit a side and try to find new paths in life , new meanings , new ways.new ways to love myself , and forgot about people. i remember in the past when someone talks about me badly i just try to forgot and just be better , maybe its the only solution is just to be better , better about health , about people and for sure improve my realtionship with god because its the only realtionship will last for ever.

7th of june ,Thursday , 2018

Today was very horrible day , my training was terminated at the hospital in pediatric rotation, because i was absent for 3 days , i have my reasons , but i think even if i over come this problem i will have another problem. they has banned me from leaving the country , why i have no idea. I bought new dog and he passed a way 2 days later due to parvovirus infection , i spent just 2 days with my belovied puppy , but he just stole my heart , i miss him so much i wish i just new that he was seriously ill ,  sick i had to know in my heart i know if i just knew i will do everything for him i will pay everything to get him back , but obviously god has his reasons why the puppy have to die this young.i hope my puppy will be with my dog lark in heaven i know he is in a better place , but may god give me the power to be patient about this loss , i feel that i failed as a doctor i know im not a vet , but i just had to know , i regret every moment i lost without paying attention to him , instead of giving him that shower just run to the vet.thanks god the one who gives and god the one who take.I just need to relax and try to do something about the problems i have caring for lusy more , he is my dog too and i have her since 3 years i feel im ashamed to look at lusy face , and tell her i could not do a thing.

1/07/2018 sunday

First day of the second month of pediatric rotation.today was the first day of the second month of the pediatric rotation.i was assigned to another group today and they are nice people really at least they look nice i started the day at bulding number 6 where we have a morning report starting at 8:00 a.m thank god its not so early after that we start the round at the pediatric ward i saw today 3 patients.

first patient: patient is 6 years old has diabetes mellitus uncontrolled was admited because of abdominal pain , nusia and vomiting , but he had no acidosis so he was not in diabitec ketoacidosis.

second patient: 5 years old with burkit lymphoma off chemotherapy admitted for zuldrenic acid infusion.

third patient : complicated he has gastrites and entered hypovolemic shock , also he has craniopharyngeoma and it was resected but it affected the pituitary gland which caused him to have diabites insipidus he is on desmopressin for managment.

after work i went to the gym to swim i enjoyed it , but not that much thank god anyway. my day was not bad i guess its important to change once attitude thats whats really matter.

Monday , 2 of July , 2018

Today i wake up at 7:00 a.m and i went to work i arrived at 8:20 a.m i went to sign my name and then i thought we are having a morning report , but luckily we did not. after that i went to the ward and we had round we saw the same three patients.

the one with diabites who is 6 years old boy admitted for poorly controlled diabites now he is doing fine.the diabitic educator came and educated the father about the disease and how to manage it.later i went to the library and i burrowed a book about pediatric and i finished my work i did 2 progress notes one about diabites and the other one about a 5 year boy with lymphoma who is getting treatment for osteoporosis. then i went back home and had an appointment through skype with mr otawa. then i went back again to the hospital so i can sign my name out and later i went to by the part for my laptop so i can connect the the usb to the computer and thats all for today the dr asked me to present the case tomorrow and i will need to prepare everything and i will just need to be calm and everything will be fine hopefully.

wednesday, 4th of july , 2018

Today i wake up late around 7:30 a.m and i went to work at 8:00 a.m i arrived there at 8:30 a.m we did not have round luckily , but i had to do a discharge summary for the patient with diabits so its good we have fewer patient now and we dont need to see anyone anyway.i finished the discharge around 12:00 p.m and i went to the library to finish the work later we had class and the pediatric icu and i felt very anxious with everyone looking at me the topic was about immunization the presentation was not that long but very difficult to digest anyway i went out and run a way to starbucks because i cant stay at the hospital all the time i went back just for signature and thats all for today it was good day. i had also my appointment with my psychitrist through skype and i feel better after seeing her i hope things will continue to be better.

Sunday , 8th of July  , 2018

Today was a vary rough day as the Dr was very unkind to me , and as usual i start to mix everything up about they banding me from traveling , about my psychiatrist say about me emotionally unstable , i dont know as do i need to lie in my appointments to get her happy , but i know laying never solved any problem actually its the opposite it will make any problem worse and worse , i remember always if she lie to me it will never help me . even though the truth can be so hard , if i think about myself becoming psychotic i ask myself the question , does it really worth it ? does anyone worth it for me going crazy about, i know deep inside its not worth it at all, and even she is the psychiatrist eventually she is not god , her opinion can be right and can be wrong i mean she is a human after all , not god or superman , the same thing for me im not god or superman. so what do i need to do ? is just to look at things in different angels as always. I remember any treatment is hard and its suppose to be hard , if its working it should be painful.

Sunday  22/07/2018

Today i was post-call so i was at the hospital until 12:00 p.m  cause i had to work on Saturday. my work on Saturday was good i had to work with a nice male resident and not an angry person. i had to see so many patients all of the has end stage renal failure and require renal transplantation unfortunately all of them are children as im at the pediatric ward doing pediatric rotation.so yesterday i had to wake up at 7:30 a.m and i got to the hospital at 8:30 a.m so at first i arrived at the hospital and i started working at 9:00 probably the dr gave me 3 patients to see i saw them and i wrote for them progress notes and later on i just went to the doctors room to rest before that we had 3 rounds to the patients one i did alone and the second one i did with resident and the last one i did with the consultant. later i went to sleep i was so tired and i wake up confused i had to see another patient with abdominal pain and fever and diarreah i just saw him brifely and i wrote for him progress notes then i was free and the room was for me only so it was a good day thanks god

Thursday , 26th of July , 2018

Today I wake up late around 7:30 a.m and i was so tired and i just did not have a choice just to go to work even i was feeling so tired and i wanted to sleep.I arrived at the hospital around 8:15 a.m , but did not attend the morning meeting because i was embarrassed to enter the conference room , i just signed my name and went to the outpatient department i bought my regular breakfast and then i went to eat at the clinic , today I had clinic at the Endocrinology Department we saw around 4 patients all of the have diabetics type 1 and their treatment is insulin subcutaneous injection may god ease their health problem.There was a Neurosciences event at the hospital but i have missed it , because i was at the clinic. Now im at the library doing nothing today is the end of the week , but i still got oncall tomorrow 🙁 with a female dr 🙁 so she will give me hard time i think unless there are  no patients at the ward i hope it will be nice as yesterday even though i don’t think so.Tonight im going out with my friend and her son, will go to a nice restaurant near my city. what else next week will start working in a new place , its actually near my house its family medicine training i  hope things will be fine inshallah.

Thursday, 2nd of august,2018

Today i wake up at 7:30 a.m i run very fast to the clinic near my house its only about 10 minutes to get there.i really like it its wired feelings it feels everything i worked hard for is worth it, i kind remember myself when i were in the elementary school and thats so much cool feeling. i started the rotation in the family medicine clinic i met my friend in Poland we were studying together it was hard at first and later it becomes ok i guess , she just gave birth to a baby boy which is so cool he is a boy may god bless them always and forever.today we were at the pharmacy and also at the lab were they take blood. the woman in the lab was like commenting on me every now and then , later i felt angery so i returned back to the pharmacy and I just set and read some the medications available at the pharmacy then i went to the second floor and were i fall a sleep and then the girl came to wake me up we ordered food i had potato together with garlic bread we had lunch and then she went back home and i stayed at the clinic i fall a sleep until one person came and waked me up it was embarrassing actually and she even drove me home she knows how to drive so its so cool i guess was a good day thanks god.

Wednesday , 8th of august , 2018

Today I wake up at around 8:00 a.m and i arrived to the hospital at 8:30 a.m now i started a rotation in the Family Medicine Department in a clinic near my house. today it was good day as i laughed a lot i guess. today i attended the clinic with the health Educator i did not see any patients , but the nurse showed us how to use the inhalers.thats all i guess the dr told us about attending the early morning report so tomorrow i really need to be on time and i hope things will be fine inshallah, i have alot of things to do but as usual im always bored to get things done. i always remind myself that i really need to be thankful and just things can be so much worse but its not. tomorrow is the wedding of my best friend or the person i thought its my best friend , im not going to her wedding cause im just angry from her and i dont want her in my life anymore im doing my best to not get in touch with her. and may god give me the strength i need.

Sunday , 12th of august , 2018

Today i wake up at around 7:30 a.m and as usual i was just awake before the uber arrived currently i work at a clinic near my home in saudi arabia , its really comfortable to work near my house i mean the doctors are nice here not too much ego like the once in the other hospital which was quite fancy this weekend i feel quite confused, the person who used to be my best friend i did not go to her own wedding , it feel sucks not go , but deep in my heart i feel i made the right decision , i know me and her been through a lot , i guess i became friend with her or did she became a friend of me , now i remember so many circumstances that she was not a true friend to me , as i was to her i have my own dissadvanteges for sure , what i want i just want to forget about her sometime i feel wired , completely wired its like she used to be the well for my secrets it felt like i can be honest with her more then i can with my ownl soul which is really strange.i know im afraid to returne and talk to her , but as my favourit actress said nothing is guranted its just only the present time is guranted , what i feel is so hard and so wired i wish i can just erase everything i dont like from my memory but i know i can not do that i know i need to be patient about things , things will never going to change in a day and a night. i just keep in mind that everything is going to teach you something even if it hurts and it does hurt a lot.

sunday 26th of august , 2018

Today was my last day at the Pediatric rotation , i got to say it was the best rotation i had i guess , i learned and i worked alot , i cried a lot and i heard a lot of things going about me at the hospital. one doctor told me like one week ago that why i look so sad and upset and it honestly hurted my feeling. it just how to say this i just cant feel the weight of my face at least not like before, anyway about today i wake up at 7:15 and i went to the hospital at 7:40 a.m and i arrived at 8:15 it was nice day i guess , i did only 2 progress notes and i finished with my activity book and im just happy about it i know i need to aim for bigger stuff , but i guess its better then nothing any way, i will try to motivate myself more and be more optimistic not like feeling i dont know want to go psychitric hospital again at least not in- patient the out-patient clinic im used to go so its not something new , I think i feel comfortable with my new psychiatrist, and the therapist is fine too. i just want to depend on myself more , i dont know why im feeling im chasing mental health professionals , at least in the past i knew it was like they will protect me from entering mental hospital , but i guess it did not work that way. about today i have seen a patient from asia and he was a 2 year old child with gastroenterites. right i forget my wallet at home today. I have applied for the scholarship in Germany to specilize  in dermatology, but they did not accept my request because they said that my Gpa is not accepted in the requirement  but i read they requirments and my Gpa should be accepted , i have sent them objection and i hope they will look at it again and accept my request in the scholarship hopefully everything will be fine and i will be less complaining about everything inshallah.

Sunday , 2nd of september,2018

Today i wake up early probably at 7:00 a.m and i went to the hospital today was my first day at the maternity and children hospital , its very nice place i saw a lot of nice people , for example i saw the girl from sudan she said her father passed a way its so sad , because he had stroke in the past and now he just passed a way. she will be at the pediatric rotation and me i will just be at the gynaecology rotation im excited i guess at least something positive not negative like child birth is nice thing to see , comparing to the things i saw in the previous hospital. today was nice and good , but i just did not go for the meeting they hold for the interns and i think its not a good start i supposed but inshallah with every delay there is a goodness.i hope they will not be angry at me tomorrow and they will put me in group A as they say its the easiest to handle hopefully things will be fine inshallah. i saw a nice girl who is doing the rotation also in pediatrics , but still do not know the interns who are with me in the rotation. wish for the best and prepare for the worse.

Monday , 3rd of September , 2018

Today i wake very early at around 7:00 a.m and i took careem to come to work , things were stressful at the biginning , but later it gots easier i hope today was my second day at the child and maternity hospital , this almost the last rotation for me to finish the internship hopefully , i will not have other problems. today i came first to the morning report

Wednesday , 5th of august,2018

Today i wake up at 6:45 a.m and the uber has arrived already i asked him to wait for me and thanks god he waited like for almost 20 minutes while i was getting ready. i arrived at the hospital at around 8:15 a.m luckily no one noticed i was not late , i went to the antenatal ward and i saw the other interns , there were two interns , at first they said we will be together , but later one dr told me to work with a dr from india she was good and nice , did not see any patient with her , or i saw one but i dont remember the case later she asked me to do discharge but i did not know how so i just saw what she was doing , then dr A called and asked me to join Dr T and the out patient clinic and god it was so busy , i saw alot of cases like abortion , infections , and for sure pregnancy follow up for many pregnent women , i saw the fetus at the screen i mean the ultrasound its sure is cool , but i thought it will be more clear to see the fetus , it really nice i wish i will be pregnant one day with a boy first then a girl hopefully soon,i worked with a woman from india she was asking me about everything is poland the study and the enviroment in general like i need other things to remind me of warsaw which i really adore, later on i had a break at 1:00 p.m and the nurse at the clinic told me you look tired and stuff and imagined myself looking fate and wired and it does hurts to be over weight that much now im 100 kg and all of this thanks to olanzapine i hate that medication i hope that i wont be one it anymore soon, thats all for today i went home and i fall sleep on my face and i wake up got the dog lusy out for a while and i had dinner , watched my turkish series which is coming to end and now i need to sleep so i will be able to go tomorrow to work. tomorrow is the last day of the week and i will just hope i will not have on call on friday.

Tuesday 11th of August, 2018

Today was extremely hard and so annoying as everything in the morning was good and ok , but later after i have finished my round things got bad , i went to the operation theater as i was supposed to see some operations and like c-section and other gynacological operations , i was standing at the corridor and wondering why just no one talk to me and i was sad about that , later the consultant came and said stupid stuff about my face like he was saying like if i was going to attack him and kill him which made me more nervous more like will really going to attack some body and kill him and where in the operation theater it felt like tv show or something , i wanted so to give him a good punch on his face , but what to do , what made me so sad like why its always me if god made my face this way what should i do ? just can do nothing about it except to just ask good to get my rights from him he had offended  me in front of everyone else and i just did not do anything except for remembering the Psychiatric hospital and in the morning i just heard a story about a woman who was abused and brought to the hospital for forensic examination and what made it worse is that the patient has hitted a nurse and they were gossibing and for the sure the story about psychiatric diseases and lets say about the physical illlnesses which is never ending story.

Friday, 29th of september ,2018

Today I wake up at 1:00 p.m and i was so bored i just did not know what to do. i finally wake up and i dont know what i was doing i just was looking at my phone for a couple of minutes and finally i went to study maybe at 4:00 p.m I just did one block in the uworld for dermatology and some 20 questions from all medicine and the results were not bad honestly, later i ordered food and i payed some stuff today my symptomes were not good at all i felt kind of tired all the time probably because i missed the medication, i miss the medication alot of time and i just forget about it probably i just need to alarm my phone or something.

Sunday , 14th of October , 2018

Today I wake up at 7:30 a.m just when the driver arrived and I just prepare my stuff and went to work. today was kind of smooth , I met my friend from poland I mean she is Saudi , but she she studied with me in Poland it was a nice feeling , even though I was so worried about the meeting , and how I would feel about and I honestly felt nothing , I mean I felt happy and relieved but nothing from what I would expect. we talked a lot , now she is married and have one child a daughter , it feels a bit strange  that almost  the people I know they just got married and have children. Today what was bothered me that I asked the dr a question about the possibility of neuro defects in children after being born through natural delivery. suddenly he was saying oh psychosis , I told him no I mean the baby not the mother , I honestly felt my heart would jump out of my chest its like every time I hear psychosis , I will just get so anxious specially at work. any how I’m trying to stick with good intentions and good thoughts and good actions and may god ease my path. ameen.

Monday , 15th of October , 2018

Today i wake at 7:15 a.m , but i was so tired to get up so I just went back to sleep for another 15 minutes and later on , i just went to work , at first i wasted like an hour and a half collecting patients informations for the consultant so it was like after more then 12 patients i wasted time on and i called her like twice and she said we will be meeting at the ward which i went their and i did not see her , but i think my mistake i had to just wait for her at the ward not to go another ward and continue the collection of patients information , later i just went back to her and she simply said we finished the round , what do you mean you simply started seeing the patients i wasted an hour and half on them and just simple i finished the round and simple i dont need you. just say that from the start , so i dont bother myself to do anything anyway, so that was my morning , all morning those days are just a fuss anyhow , later I just worked with another dr and she was kind enough thanks god at least i saw one patient with her and i did one discharge for a patient. i went later to the gym and  i spent one hour, then went to the coffee to study i finished 15 questions with reading the topics, i went back home and i saw my brother he just came from travel and his two cute kids it was a good day , but my dog had diarreah and i had to clean after her 🙁 it was good day in general thanks god.

Sunday , 22 of October , 2018

Today was very exhausting day , as i had to work for 12 hours in the hospital like just to stay there. the consultant was absent so i just spend the day at the morning studying first and later on i went to get my evaluation from the ER department i did not get good evaluation i wished i had just something in the 80%  what to do i got 76% thank god anyway, later i went to the coffee and i site there and study i felt very down today. i went back again to the hospital and i witnessed natural delivary and it was good at first i was so afraid as my head was shaky but i don’t think anyone had noticed that , and later i was anxious afraid and nearly deteched from the reality but thanks god i went outside to catch my breaths and went back collected some stamps and just went back home.

Wednesday , 12th of december , 2018

Today i feel quit low i actually was about to finish the internship and just be relived now i need to think about it together with the exam for the practicing the job. i can not denil i feel so bad , i did not finish the internship yet like i need to make up another week or two i have no idea.another thing is that i applied for dermatology residency in germany and they refused and they just said i need to contact the cultural biuro there. another thing is i just can not stop thinking about certine people like my previous friend , my previous psychiatrist its just i keep thinking about my previous friend. i keep thinking about her and her accomplishment and i keep comparing myself to her which is obviously makes me angry and sad. i also have problem with my current psychiatrist i dont know is she wants to see me again  as i was rude to her because of what, maybe i just dont like psychiatrists anymore i see her through skype and last time i felt she treated me as im inferior to her i have no idea is it because of how i look like very fat i mean im 100 kg now and i just can not stand how my body look , how also people has changed there treatment to me because of how i look because of my weight , comparing when i was 67 kg. not forget about the mouse i saw in my room 2 days ago and i just felt so bad loard, the rats in the second floor are so much like maybe there are 4 or 5 of them not forgot the one my mother already catched. another thing  im banned from traveling for something i have no clue about like its been around 6 months or even more. so like it feels like my life is cursed or something , i even sometime questioning my faith and i doubting myself i  believe or not which i think it can be part of ocd like religious ocd or something i have no idea. i just dont know what to do it feels like everytime i finish with something i end up having another problem. just may god have mercy on my soul thats all.

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