So it could be a chemical thing, or it could be a willpower/over-exertion snapping-back effect, but I really do bounce back and forth between month-long phases of being able to handle everything, and then a similar phase of being crushed by the weight of my own existence. I have definitely felt crushed these last two weeks. I look to my nails, over and over, for signs that the phase might be switching over, but alas they’re still being ripped to pieces and I don’t even want to describe the state of my bleeding cuticles.[br][br]When I put it into words, it feels so much harder to think of myself as attractive in any way. It just sounds so vile. I can’t imagine what picture of me I’m painting for you all. Then I remember you can see my photograph and see that I don’t look like a peeling disgusting lump of hideousness…and that really is strange – that I go through all this, and no one can tell. Oh, but I’m repeating myself. I say this all the time, think it all the time. When I was 13, I used to say ‘Stop Me if You Think You’ve Heard This Before’ by The Smiths was my theme song.[br][br]I’ve been attempting to smile more. People love you when you smile, it seems. In fact, yes, most people only like you if you’re happy. They’re so afraid of dealing with you if you’re not putting on the chirpy façade at all hours. How can you NOT snap, from all that fakery? But then there are others who only like you if you’re drowning in misery. How is that a sustainable existence, either? Why all these opposites? I like to think Hermann Hesse and the Buddha had it right when they said it’s more about the balance in-between these things, the equal validity and invalidity of both. Like the end of ‘Siddhartha’ when he keeps abandoning the recommended path and at last reaches a kind of enlightenment, and his faithful companion looks at his face and sees it’s the combination of everything he’s ever experienced in his life. All these things are important. They are all a part of us. Why deny a darker nature because of some misguided naïve idea that you MUST be happy all the time? And why equate misery with depth? We’re more complicated creatures than that. If there really is God, there can’t be a devil, because that would mean God had an equal opponent…which is outside the definition of God. To me, all things in the universe must be God’s creation, if he exists – and to deny parts of it is like denying the self. Why must God be ‘all good’? Doesn’t saying he possesses no darkness mean there are things outside of him? Doesn’t that cancel out his omnipotence?[br][br]I have no idea how I got onto this train of thought, now…oh yes. Balance. There’s no sin in unhappiness. There’s no sin in taking pleasure in life’s joys. And I suppose the lesson I have to learn is that, no matter which phase I’m in – out of control or the girl who can handle everything – neither is better or worse than the other; they’re all necessary ‘evils’ of life. The key is accepting the state of things, and simply being.
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Ranting
TwistedxKiss, , OCD, Anxiety, 1
womanly issues. men, you have been warned. haha. a little background here.. my mom is taking my sister to...
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Flesheater & the Mysteries of the Night
thymeoperator, , OCD, Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, Career, Grief, Questions, Sleep Disorders, Stress, 0
So. I made the decision this morning to stop tearing up my fingers. This is proving seriously easier said...
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I laugh but it isn't fuuny
adigitalme, , OCD, Addiction, 0
WOW, I swear, I seem to be in some kind of germ vortex. I find myself laughing when I...
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I Need Hope
FieryFox, , OCD, Anxiety, Depression, Obesity, OCD, 1
I've been so frustrated lately. I suffer from depression as well as OCD, and I find it to be...
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Daddy Dearest
ktbothum, , OCD, Anger, Obesity, OCD, Relationships, Weight Loss, 2
Like most daughters I love my father. As a girl I kept him high on a pedestal and wanted...
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COVID contamination OCD
Abby-Meiyum, , OCD, 0
A: I started looking back, wondering if I had washed my hands long enough…and then wondering if i had...
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Material Girl
Catoptromancy, , OCD, 0
Ok, so today is a mixed bag.I set my alarm to be up in time to buy tickets to...
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The Journey
WildGlitterFairy, , OCD, Anxiety, Medication, OCD, 3
Tonight I am thankful. Thankful I was able to help a few people with my experiences. Thankful tonight that...