So, to give a little insight on where I stand now, I thought I should give some background into my past.  This is the story of my ex…

It was the last semester of my junior year in college and I had just gone thru a nasty breakup with my ex who I refer to as "icky boy."  Bad thing is, about a semester before we had signed up for a class together called Japanese Culture.  I knew he was stubborn and would still take the class, and I was planning on dropping the class altogether to avoid seeing him again when my best friend and many of her friends convinced me to keep the class.  The first day of class was fine even tho my ex INSISTED on sitting near me.  The second day of class was different- a very cute guy sat was sitting next to me, who knew my best friend, and I thought he was the cutest person ever but was too shy to say anything.  Not only did this keep my ex on the other side of the class, but the rest of the semester I got to learn bits and pieces of who I will call M.  M liked anime and video games, which I also liked.  But I let the semester slip by without ever making a move.

That summer, both M and I worked at the mall together, and I would often see him and say hi. I was infatuated with him, but because of his looks and how nice he was I was sure he had a girlfriend.  When school began again that fall I saw more of his friends and asked- yet no one knew.  At that time my friends and I would host anime nights where we would sit around and watch anime, and from my best friend learned M's screen name so I could invite him.  We began talking and really hit it off- he even invited me to hang out with him where he worked a few nights before the anime night and we just clicked.  Anime night came and throughout the night we kept moving closer to eachother. It got late and everyone left except me and him, and he nervously held my hand. It was so sweet.  Then before he left he asked if he could kiss me and he did and it was great. Love at first kiss!

For the next two years we were in all aspects of the word, inseparable.  I think we were apart the 2 weeks I was in Italy for an art trip and maybe 2 or 3 other days when our schedules conflicted.  We had a great relationship- it was fun and comfortable and he was my best friend.  Everything was great for about a year and a half then tragedy struck- my father was diagnosed with cancer.  Being very close to my father, it was very hard for me, and especially the fact I accompanied him to many appointments where the doctors said that I had to "prepare for the worst" because he might not make it to Christmas. Yet the whole time M was there for me. He was my rock.

Not even a few months after my dad was diagnosed my mother was diagnosed with cancer as well, but hers was indeed more serious.  While my dad had prostate/bladder cancer, she had brain cancer which was eating away what she was. Even thought my dad was getting better she was getting worse. I failed all my classes, dropped out of school, and changed jobs.  I was very depressed, yet M was there, doing the best he could do to keep me sane.  That fall when my mom passed away, M was the one person that was there and led me threw the days and left me alone when I needed that time too. My mom passing made me realize that life was short and I in a dazed mind made M propose to me. (even though he says now he was planning on doing so just not so soon)  

Soon thereafter is when things started crashing down.  The stress of planning a marriage, esp without my mom started to bare down on me. He started having problems with his family too- he was abandonment issues with his mom, his best friend, and his grandfather was going through some problems.  We actually went to councilling for a short time- but it was about intamacy issues that I thought were important at that time- looking back it really wasn't. 

We never really had a falling out or anything.  We just kinda decided it would be a good idea to break it off- I knew he would be better off without my stressed annoying self (or so I tell myself) and he told me he thought I deserved better.  

Things were rough for awhile.  It was very sad seeing all of his things leave our place.  We also wanted to remain friends, which at first was hard esp when I started dating other guys to try and find 'someone better'.  Soon enough, it really wasn't hard to accept our relationship as just a friendship, and for the past 2 years we've been great friends.  Now, I would consider him one of my best friends.  I talk to him at least once a week (usually more like 5+)  and before I moved we would hang out a few times a month.

The thing is… I've never stopped loving him, even after dating other people and honestly caring for the guy I am somewhat with.  Theres just something about M. And especially after all the problems I've been having its been easier to see that M is the best for me there is. He is a great person. Yet, he is one of my good friends and I don't want him to stop being friends with me if I reveal my feelings.  I know he likes other people, but hasnt dated anyone since we broke up and honestly I think he deserves a chance with someone else.  Yet I don't want him to be with anyone but me.  How selfish I am!

Recently a song lyric has become my motto:  When you live, live with your soul not with your time.  When you love, love with you're heart not with your mind.  

I think this is important because my heart still cares for him as it did several years ago, but my mind is telling me to stop because I don't want to lose him again. And every time my heart convinces my mind to tell him, I chicken out and avoid going and seeing him altogether.

I know right now is the worst time ever, especially since I just moved down here and will be 3 hours away from him for about another year, and he knows I'm in a bad situation and am coming out of a breakup.  Yet more than ever I want to be with him- hold his hand and tell him how I feel.  Even though right now I can't really be with him as I would want to be.

Ah the complicated webs we weave…