I don’t know how to start. I wake up and walk my milo, he’s my 3 year old yorkie. Take my meds, drink my coffee.  I sit down and watch tv.I have routines, sort of, I watch Maury every day. I don’t feel like doing anything at all. I don’t bathe ever day or brush my teeth. I feel like the day just passes me by but I don’t feel like doing anything.

I go to therapy twice a week, and found out things that scare me. But the only thing I assumed about my meds, was that I’d be cured by it. Where did I get that idea, I don’t know. I didnt really understand my illness and what is happening to me  and that therapy is also like my meds. I need both. I take my meds on time and I go to therapy.  But I feel like I’m not getting better. Bathing is only done when I can’t stand my smell. Brushing the teeth is done twice a week. They are hurting and one even broke in the gums. But going to the dentist seems so hard for me.

It’s time for my yearly physical and i haven’t made the appointment.  I missed my mammogram screening last year. I haven’t been to the dentist in 3 or 4 years. I only went to the doctor because of shortness of breath.  And even then I missed a crucial test. They rescheduled the test and I told my family because they will make sure I go this time. I told them last time also but I didn’t go because I didn’t  care and they didn’t want to push me. I’m going to go this time cause I can’t even walk half a block without feeling like I can’t even breathe.

I feel like going out is the hardest thing for me, and the weird  part is that now the time change happened, it makes me more scared to go out. Summer is coming, more people will be outside.  I will be seen, and my hypervigilence  will bE all revved up. They are days when I don’t even walk my milo and if he goes on the carpet, it doesn’t bother me. Why does the summer bother me so much? I feel like crying and ashamed of myself.

Ashamed and worthlessness is my name. I have to say that my family and therapist say that I shouldn’t feel that way. Because I worked for over 20 years at the post office.  I raised two women who both graduated from college,  working and have their own place. My oldest daughter is married to a wonderful man, yes I like my son in law. I have twin grandons who I adore and wish I could spend more time with. But I don’t cause I get panic attacks but try to spend time with them.

They say that I should feel proud but I know that it’s by the grace of God I got thru it. I can’t help them in anyway that’s why I feel worthless, I can’t be with my boys cause Im scared they will see that I’m not well. I try not to let people get too close because they’ll see my illness.

I know that’s stupid but I feel like I have a sign on me that says suffering from depressiin,anxiety and ptsd. That I feel the judgement and pity every time I go outside. Yes that’s my illness and I’ve been suffering from it since I was a child but six years ago it got worse.

I’m sorry I seem to be all over the map but that’s my thinking all the time. I don’t stay on track, I jump all over. I will post again because there’s more. I need this thank you for allowing me to vent.

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