So this all leads to what I want to say to my friend Tommy (and what I wanted to say to the Nemises as well, and tried too I think, and still got hounded by her)and ultimately might if I end up getting into it with him(thus far, I sent only sent him emails providing just the very detailed facts in terms of my financial situation as to why I have no money to give him; he is yet to reply): I have been through the depths of hell, and you(you meaning him, as if I'm saying this to him, not to You, the reader) have NO FREAKING IDEA the personal version of ABSLOUTE FREAKING HELL that I went through the last three years, okay(and no, I don't think that makes me "special" in any way for anyone out there who is reading this; indeed, a lot of people on here have been through something similar to what I went through, perhaps even worse, but it's all relevant and unique to each individual)?!? And you REALLY, REALLY don't… . I KNOW MY PAIN, okay?!? I know what I've been through, I know what the depths of my hatred towards myself has been in the past, I know that I used to convince myself that I somehow must be a bad enough person to not deserve to have good things happen or have the right to have love in my life, I know how other people have seen me in an unfavorable light and how hurt and ashamed I've felt knowing that they would see me that way, I know what it's like to break down and cry relentlessly and uncontrollably in front of friends and family and to feel the humiliation and embarrassment of being a grown man doing that, to get down on my knees in the middle of my kitchen floor and cry and scream my heart out with no one there to hear me and to pray to God–or whomever or whatever is in charge of the freaking Universe if anyone/anything is at all- with all my might to make the demons go away; I know what it's like to be hospitalized multiple times and be stuck sleeping on paper-thin mattresses with matching paper-thin pillow cases, to use bathrooms with doors that won't lock, to be stuck eating awful-tasting food day &night, to not even be able to access so much as a freaking popsicle w/out the attendant on duty having to open a locked door for you, let alone being able to go ANYWHERE at all without someone having to open a locked-door for you( thereby forcing you to deal with that awful feeling of feeling you are incarcerated, with your simple and most basic freedoms taken away that would otherwise be taken for granted), even as much as stepping outside to get a breath of fresh air(with the attendent there to supervise you of course, that is, if one was even available or willing to do so) so as to prevent yourself from going out of your freaking mind with cabin fever from being stuck in what basically amounted to little more than a freaking long hallway all day & night with little more to do than to play boardgames from the 70's, read months-old magazine articles, or watch TV and hope to god that the the majority of the other patients weren't wanting to watch Oprah while you were wanting /hoping to watch something else that you can't watch if you're in the minority, and watch the minutes go by like hours; I know what it's like to go to countless numbers of futile and costly shock-treatments at the crack of dawn–sometimes in my case having to go to them straight off of my 11pm-7am night shift at work and in many cases having to call a cab to take me right to the hospital since my car was all but damaged beyond repair at the time… so bascially, what I'm saying is you absolutely DO NOT know sh*t about me, got it?
How can the Nemisis and my friend Tommy not understand, how can they not see that I'm absolutely TERRIFIED of getting a job again for fear that if I do, it will lead to me going off the deep end again for all the reasons I mentioned above…I mean, yeah, I'm looking; I'm even working with a job developer via Voc Rehab(whom, although she's aware that I lost a job due to severe depression, I sense is growing impatient and frustrated with me; she in fact got short with me last week what I asked her what she apparently felt was a repetitive and annoying and insignificant question)...So yeah, I'm looking, but I'll be honest and admit that I'm doing so half-heartedly–or what would probably be considered half-heartedly by normal people's standards–because I deep down don't know if I'm ready to try again yet or if I ever will be for all of the reasons I elaborated on in this blog (and many previous ones I've written on here) and for whatever reasons I might have forgotten…How could this person who came out of nowhere to unload her blunt "words of wisdom "on me left and right, relentlessly….how could she possibly NOT understand that???….I mean, I can't be the only person on here unique in this situation, can I? How could she be so un-understanding?….
And again regarding my friend Tommy…I guess he can't understand that for the first time in ages/years, I'm at peace with myself… .that I can actually budget and be "disciplined" with my budget since I have so little budget to work on among other things, that I'm still recovering from the depression if I ever fully recover at all….and he wants to go off on me out of the clear blue when I'm finally at peace with myself? To start something with me out of sheer boredom or whatever?…I mean, just from the financial aspect, he has to know that I don't have the money hiding under a rock somewhere, that I don't have a job right now and am just squeaking by on disability, and on top of that, him being such a caring and concerned friend asking me all the time how my ailing father is doing,,,and out of nowhere he decided to remind me about the money that I still owe him? And all of a sudden his caring about how his friend is dealing with the issue of his sick father takes a back seat out of FREAKING NOWHERE to the money I owe him?!?…
But in conclusion, what it all means is….it's never really going to "go away" for good, is it? I was naive I suppose in thinking it would after surviving my most nightmarish bout of severe depression & anxiety attacks yet….but all of this means–all of what I've talked about here, about the Nemesis that emerged on DT to rip me to shreds; my own good friend's apparent refusal to believe that I'm not ready to work again yet and his refusal to understand the reasons why; a good friend coming to the USA and asking me to meet her in NYC and the realization that I won't have the $ to do this-probably if I even get a job between now and then, but definitely not if I don't; the wake-up call that said nemesis gave me that even if I had a chance with the girl, bottom line is I'd even need $ to pursue a potential serious relationship if it even came to that(the idea that if there was "chemistry" if we would have met in person, that somehow I would figure out a way to make the rest of it work…unrealistic thinking.)….It means there's always going to be tests, aren't there? Sometimes as much as 3 or 4 in a matter of a couple of weeks, as has been the case here….They're unavoidable…adversity is always going to rear its ugly head and all these things emerging at once shows that I can try to run but I can't hide…. So I guess it would be foolish of me to believe/hope that there will never be bouts of depression again, that there's no such thing as being 100% "depression proof" from here on out for the rest of my life, is there?…( I guess right now it's in "remission" then?…but I can hope that there will never be one as bad as my most recent one, can't I?)… .But to have thought that I might somehow be in the clear for good, this was obviously naive and unrealistic of me….
"The Wolf is always at your door…."–Don Henly, from the song "New York Minute)…and indeed it is…indeed it is.
(As always, thanks to any who took the time to read. Probably a lot of typos on here, so probably going to go back later, re-edit, etc. and correct them, But in a hurry right now, so I can't at this time).
Hi gomizzou, I’ve been reading your blogs/forum posts as I come and go, but it seemed important to speak up this time, and I’ve spent the last three hours trying to address some of your points. I wasn’t happy with the result, so I’m switching off the self-censorship, and writing ad-lib and from scratch. First, I wanted to share a quote:
"…auribus teneo lupum: [nam neque…scio]." – Terence, Phormio
"We have the wolf by the ears, and we can neither hold him, nor safely let him go. Justice is in one scale, and self-preservation in the other." – Thomas Jefferson, personal letters, 1822
The Roman general, reformer, and emperor Tiberius was fond of the phrase; Terence’s comedy, Phormio, uses it as a punchline; Thomas Jefferson referenced it as a metaphor for the injustice of slavery. I apply it to myself, and I also think it applies to you, so I hope you’ll forgive the appearance of any pretense in bringing it up. Hold the thought…
In direct response to you, I want to extend my sympathies over your father; my best wishes for his recovery! Likewise, the ‘nemesis,’ as you’ve termed her, was an embarrassment to the Tribe, and I’m very sorry that you’ve suffered because of her reckless criticisms. I’ve had a nervous collapse that cost me a diploma and many friendships, I’ve been out of the workforce, I have enormous student loans to pay, and I am now in voc rehab (though I dread getting a job I can’t stand), and for those reasons and more, I feel very familiar with some of your feelings, and yet again completely different. So before I say anything else, I don’t know you and I haven’t ‘earned’ the right to tell you anything just because I can relate. But if it helps, I’d like to share my viewpoint.
You were doing better, but as you said, adversity is everywhere, and confronted by a big thing (your father’s health), little(r) things (harsh words, travel expenses, debts) began to drag you down. Now you’re here, and the question is: what’s next?
At the risk of sounding like someone who doesn’t "get it," or doesn’t care, those hurtful comments ended more than a week ago, but your latest blogs are full of fresh pain over them. The list of ways that people/life has hurt you has just been added to; and you’ve been brave to talk about it and wise to know where to do it safely (where your pain won’t hurt those around you), but you haven’t taken charge of it. And I don’t mean, "you’re letting it hurt you" like bullets are supposed to bounce off you, but you haven’t really said, "here’s what I’ll do about it," or "I know I’ll get past this, it just sucks right now." A classic symptom of depression, I know. I’ve avoided "what’s next" for three years.
I would feel terrible if I were adding to your depression, so let me say: I’d be happy to continue a conversation about any of this, but if you message me or post to my wall saying you’d prefer not to, I’ll apologize, withdraw my comments, and respect you for hearing me out once. There are always wolves at the door, and when you have depression/anxiety, you’re often forced to wrestle directly with the beast. Sometimes it seems like you’re in a no-win scenario, but if you pay attention and keep your wits about you, you can usually find a safe solution. Take care, and best wishes!