Okay, first you need a little background.  I had the predisposition for anxiety, and two years ago I had the environmental trigger that set it off.  And yes, I am pathetic and it was a guy.  Cut me some slack, I was like 15.  Longest story ever short, he was really cruel to me, we were supposed to be good friends, I had strong feelings for him, he knew, he jerked me around for two years to keep his physical access to me ifff you know what I mean.  That was my first experience with anxiety.  I was so stressed all the time that I just.. snapped.  I had to keep a garbage can next to my desk at all times because the moment he signed online I would throw up immediately, just out of fear he might say something I didn't want to hear.  About a year ago he left for college and I IMed him and said, "I'm blocking you now.  We are not friends, we will not be friends again.  Do not contact me."  I have not seen, spoken, or heard from him since.  Just a few months ago, I managed to forgive him.  I let it go.  I still think he's a horrible person with no redeeming qualities whatsoever and I want nothing to do with him, but I've let go of what happened.  It sucked, he wasnt very nice to me, but it's in the past.  I'm finally ready to move forward.

However, when I got rid of him, the anxiety stayed.  I still have the same instant nausea reaction to ANY stress, whether distress or eustress.  Makes no difference.  I can hardly go to concerts because I get so sick in the parking lot I can't make it inside.  It has nothing even to do with him anymore.

 

Then we come into today…

 

i went to subway with kristin today. and the guy working the register was flirting with me.

i went to the bathroom and puked.

instantly.

my stomach IMMEDIATELY got all upset and i immediately had severe nausea and diarrhea. i nearly didnt even make it to the bathroom.

how the fuck does this kind of shit still happen to me?

it's not like i was upset. hell, i was pleased. he was cute, and he wasnt being a jerk or anything. nobody but sean has ever flirted with me before, and hell, kristin and i went to the mall specifically to look for guys. we were mostly kidding around, but hell, if one shows up why not take advantage of the opportunity! i shouldve given him my number or something before i left but i couldnt. i was too sick. i couldnt even eat my food. i told kristin i had to piss and left and ended up running across the mall gagging trying not to fucking shit myself, and i ended up sitting in the bathroom for a few minutes trying to regain my composure, and then i went back and just sat at the booth feeling nauseous. and he was going around sweeping and stuff and kept smiling at me, and i REALLY shouldve said something more, since this is pretty much the first fucking time in 18 years anyone has seemed interested in me. i dont really count sean because he's interested in everything that moves. and i suppose this guy could be too, but he's the first guy since sean even, and thats a big deal.

seriously, it wasnt even a big deal. he wasnt even flirting with me heavily. just enough for it to be obvious. and i fucking threw up. INSTANTLY. like i nearly didnt even manage to finish paying, and i paid with a card. in the time it took me to swipe my card i was already trying not to gag. the MOMENT he said anything to me i was sick. like i was wearing my "kiss me im a pirate!" shirt since its international talk like a pirate day (ahoy, mateys!), and he mentioned something about the shirt and was like "yeah a lot of people wear shirts like that but then they get mad when you do it!" that's all it took, and i was sick.

how am i going to get over this? if i cant fix this im never going to be able to date, ill never have a boyfriend, fuck i wont even be able to flirt with people. as soon as ANYTHING remotely close to anything more than a "i see you, you exist" relationship with a guy appears, I FUCKING EXPLODE.

and im over sean! i dont like him anymore, i dont hate him, im not mad at him. i dont think he's a good person and i want nothing to do with him, but ive moved on. i thought when i moved on this would get easier. it's not any better at all. it's the same thing that happened in florida with stupid pool boy. i decided he was cute and that maybe a flirtation could occur. and i was fucking sick for hours.

i dunno, it's like with how stressed out i was letting myself get over sean, my body decided to fire my brain and say its not allowed to decide when i need to get out of bad situations anymore. and any time any sort of discomfort arises, body is like OKAY WE'RE DONE and makes me throw up. its just like when i dont get enough sleep. i wake up, and i immediately throw up. im anxious, i throw up. im too thirsty, i throw up. im too hungry, i throw up. im too tired, i throw up. im too hyper, i throw up. i laugh too hard, i throw up. i cant do ANYTHING anymore.

WHY IS THIS STILL HAPPENING TO ME.

 

i would love to try therapy again, but i have no resources to use at school, and my mom WILL NOT take me.  she thinks i make it up as an excuse to not deal with things, or to take advantage of her.

i dont know what the hell to do anymore and i want my goddamn life back.

 and my stomach HURTS. :'(

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