Today,

It’s all a blur, coming and going in and out of my head! Was it me that lived that or someone else? Was it today that I lived it or years before? Moments, days, weeks before? It is all screwed up in a big ball of mess! And through it all I have to be the: Mother   Student   Caretaker   Homemaker    Bill payer   Friend   Role model   Christian!    WTF How!!!!!!!!   I am falling apart into little pieces. I don't know what time it is without looking at my watch. I can’t remember the day without looking at a calendar, and I have no idea what is happening from one day to the next.

I want to be free from all this!! SUICIDE is the answer? The counselor in all his wisdom of course says NO!!

The friends, the family say YOUR SELFISH IF YOU DO THAT.

The heart says I SEE NO OTHER WAY TO STOP THE PAIN FROM YOURSELF AND OTHERS.

So with all of my schooling and intelligence what or who do I listen to?

Is this my declaration of what I intend to do. I don’t know. Sometimes I wish I had no consequences. I could say ok look this is the thing I am going to go and take the 300 pills I have been hoarding and try to kill myself if it works great no biggie, but if it don’t work then no harm no foul no one knows and lets go on to tomorrow. No side effects, no comas, no liver damage, no kidney damage.

You know all this time I say I don’t try to kill myself because of my kids but in reality I am afraid of messing it up and leaving myself in a worse situation than i am in now. How pathetic!!!

I started writing this because of the memories I was having were confusing and I did not know when i experienced them if it was today, yesterday, 3 weeks ago, 10 mins ago, and now all I can do all I want to do is figure out a way to not mess up ending my life. What a stupid *itch I must be to have that in my head. I am so *ed up to be like this. No wonder the nasty one wants me dead!! I would too if I was stuck with someone  like me all the time. I am sorry Susan and the nasty one and the one i can’t remember and kim for making you and having you stuck in there not being able to leave. I want to leave and that is why you are there and that is wrong.

To ramble on I am sorry, it hurts me to leave on a note like that. So I am changing my subject. Memories are sometimes good and a lot of times bad and today I saw my grandmother holding me as a baby. She was so beautiful and kind and sweet. I miss her so much. God please love on her and let her know that I can’t wait till one day I get to join her with you.