I was asked to write my feelings out and i think i prefer this to journaling. However the thing I don't like about it is I cant convey the strong emotions like i can on paper. On paper I can write them big and take up the whole paper but on here it doesnt happen.

However I digress. I want to talk about how I feel. You know that lying, deceitful thing stuck in the center of your body, that seems to control everything, yeah that, I want to talk about that. 

It has been controlling everything in me lately! I am hurting inside and out. I want to quit, die, leave, yes kill myself, and it doesn't want to stop.The feelings that is. I have to fight them everyday. My counselor says it is taking control, but to me it is purely out of control.

Nothing feels like it is in control, stable, normal, (whatever that is) in me, near me, around me, or any where close to me! I wear a sign on me that says GOOD PERSON RIGHT HERE!  COME USE ME HURT ME ABUSE ME!!! PRIME RIGHT FOR THE TAKING!!

No I dont want this. I try to trust. I try to believe. Every time I trust in someone who says they are a Christian they let me down. I should just give up, on everything! There is no one left for me. I have my good friend, M** and my 2 boys, my sis, and my counselor. Other than that I think the rest the world could care less and would go on if I just didnt wake up tomorrow. Well actually all of the people I just mentioned accept my kids would be able to wake up and go one smoothly with out me.. Wow I didn't realize how little I mean to everyone.

I actually did not originally start this with the intention of feeling worse than when I started but when I look at what I write and see how pathetic my life currently is and how yes there is potential for greatness but greatness is just not there! I am a no one a nothing with no importance, not needed by any one other than the boys and they can be raised by my sister, I realise that please Lord God Please Just end my suffering and let me die now.