so i should really write in these every day. i was feeling good yesterday. but today is a bad day. and the bad days seem more truthful of reality than the good days. but i dont know anymmore

today i just. i keep getting smacked round the face by reality. the reality of my situation and my life. i have a $30 000 student loan. a degree with no use that i can think of. i fucked around at uni, got very depressed, failed papers, seriously fucked everything up. i graduated uni eventually.i got my degree. bachelor of arts. and i was so happy to graduate. now i just think…why? im an idiot. i just cant believe how fucking stupid i am, and was. i just. i threw everything away. and now, when i see the future. i see nothing but struggle.

and now im starting to think about suicide again. a couple of weeks ago i had this strong urge to jump off my balcony. seemed the right thing to do. and then, days later, i come to the realisation that i cant hurt the people that i love. and then, i come back to the suicidal thoughts. full circle. this time i think about pills. but. again.i cant do it. but its such a sweet, intoxicating thought. jumping off the balcony into oblivion. change. finally change. and now the tears are coming.

my (now ex) boyfriend told me hes going back to his country soon. so its effectively over. i gave him so much money this past year. to help him. i wont get any of it back . he was my family, my friend, my boyfriend and my support over here. and now theres just nothing. but i wasnt happy with him for so long. but i stayed with him. i knew i could never leave him. so finally he left me. i have this strong urge to go out and find another boyfriend so i wont feel so alone, and so ill have some purpose. but i know i shouldnt do that. not the way my head is right now. I need to stay single.

im crying out for hope, but every time i start to think positively, reality comes back and smacks me back down. i cant even fathom alot of things right now. im so tired, but i dont know why. its not like i only sleep 3 hours a night or anything like that. i sleep up to 8 hours. why why why why why. confusion. i just want everything to go away.

1 Comment
  1. princesswarrior 9 years ago

    You are not your circumstances….

    I can relate to you in many ways even though our lives are vastly different.  I came on this sight today to post about the desire to be able to stop breathing. I am wrestling with the suicide thoughts today also, but like you said, can't hurt the ones I love.  Yesterday was a good day, today I want to die…. what is the difference?  All of life is a struggle, it will never go away, but I am still me today, same as yesterday. What changed?  My perspective, that is all, not me, not the circumstances, just my viewpoint.  So I come here to be reminded that others have problems also. Maybe that is why I am going through this, so I can talk one other person out of their hurt.  ok.  So there is a purpose.  We all do stupid stuff, we are human.  Don't beat yourself up about it.  So your degree isn't a big money maker, it still shows that you have the drive and perseverance to finish school. Go you!  You also show great wisdom in staying single at this moment.  Most people woulld just rush out to make themselves FEEL better, but you show wisdom and restraint here. Hang in there, cry a bit… and get on with your day. Tomorrow may bring a brighter perspective.  Hugs.

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