so i should really write in these every day. i was feeling good yesterday. but today is a bad day. and the bad days seem more truthful of reality than the good days. but i dont know anymmore
today i just. i keep getting smacked round the face by reality. the reality of my situation and my life. i have a $30 000 student loan. a degree with no use that i can think of. i fucked around at uni, got very depressed, failed papers, seriously fucked everything up. i graduated uni eventually.i got my degree. bachelor of arts. and i was so happy to graduate. now i just think…why? im an idiot. i just cant believe how fucking stupid i am, and was. i just. i threw everything away. and now, when i see the future. i see nothing but struggle.
and now im starting to think about suicide again. a couple of weeks ago i had this strong urge to jump off my balcony. seemed the right thing to do. and then, days later, i come to the realisation that i cant hurt the people that i love. and then, i come back to the suicidal thoughts. full circle. this time i think about pills. but. again.i cant do it. but its such a sweet, intoxicating thought. jumping off the balcony into oblivion. change. finally change. and now the tears are coming.
my (now ex) boyfriend told me hes going back to his country soon. so its effectively over. i gave him so much money this past year. to help him. i wont get any of it back . he was my family, my friend, my boyfriend and my support over here. and now theres just nothing. but i wasnt happy with him for so long. but i stayed with him. i knew i could never leave him. so finally he left me. i have this strong urge to go out and find another boyfriend so i wont feel so alone, and so ill have some purpose. but i know i shouldnt do that. not the way my head is right now. I need to stay single.
im crying out for hope, but every time i start to think positively, reality comes back and smacks me back down. i cant even fathom alot of things right now. im so tired, but i dont know why. its not like i only sleep 3 hours a night or anything like that. i sleep up to 8 hours. why why why why why. confusion. i just want everything to go away.