Every day, when I wake up, I just feel empty and hollow. I never feel rested or happy about waking up or sleeping. My dreams are full of darkness, nothingness or a chainsaw-wielding man and monsters trying to kill me, while I have to face them all alone. Even though I really don’t want to die. I just don’t feel I belong here in this world. I have no friends or stable family member to talk to. Memoires of being abused in every way possible at 15 until age 16 is overwhelming and the only thing that makes me feel in control or even have any love for myself is self-harm. The fear of ending up in straightjacket or dying snaps me out of my insanity. I’ve been struggling with it since I was 13 years old. Even younger than that actually.
I wasn’t only abused when I was 15 by a 24 old monster who lived with me for a whole year, but my family also abused me mentally and had lots of emotional incest. I have C-P.T.S.D.Bipolar 1, BPD and Aspergers, which makes me more sensitive to trauma and have a hard time understanding emotions at times. Which just leads to a cycle of self-harm, self-hate, and isolation. I don’t want to hurt anyone around me or bring them down. So, I hide everything until I have a mental breakdown and on the edge of the cracking cliff.
I’m 21 now and feel like I have nothing to offer this world or anyone in it. I feel like no matter how hard I try, I always fail. I feel like no one takes me seriously or even cares about what I have to say. I want a better life, but I can’t seem to stop sinking down in black, thick waters of paralyzing sadness.
I want to change this darkness or at least have some stars to brighten it up, but I’m afraid I’ll lose who I am if I do. I already lost myself once, I can’t let that happen again. I don’t know if could handle that again. I feel I’m cursed and there’s no way out. But, I know that can’t be true because I’m here trying to help my self before it’s too late.