Well… ah… hi.  o_o  I’m a happy depressed person that smiles and laughs a lot and hides in the closet when nobody’s looking.

… Uh.  Yeah.  I guess I could explain my story or something

So… I’ve spent most of my childhood without any friends, right?  Then, in middle school I started getting friends, and I was happier than I’ve ever been.  Then my best friend moved away, and I fell apart and everyone sorta distanced themselves from me, and thus I became pretty much alone.  After four years of this, I became pretty depressed, socially underdeveloped, and full of self-hatred and paranoia.  My parents ignored it and I became the wretch of my high school.  People talked about me and threw things at me.  I had one person from my old middle school friends group who liked to hang out with me, but she mostly ignored me and just sorta kept me near her without paying attention to me.  (Like I was some sort of pet that could draw for her or something)

I tried to break away from it all, but I did it too late and any possible friendships I could have made ended as I left for college.  Thus another year of the deepest isolation I’ve ever experienced.  It ruined me.  I started hallucinating and completely lost my ability to focus or feel emotion.  I couldn’t stand being around others because it HURT when they looked at me, I felt naked and disgusting and I couldn’t take it.  I sought out counseling, and became somewhat functional again.  I made some friends, and I got so excited about it that I figured I was all better and stopped the counseling and worked on being happy by myself.  I rediscovered myself somewhat–it’s weird to learn your own personality as though you were a stranger.  Things you like and dislike and your own little quirks. 

I was so excited, and filled with so much hope, but the damage didn’t completely go away no matter how much I fought it.  I’d batter the sorrow and mental haze down, and be okay for a few days, then it would come back and slowly build over several weeks until I snapped and slipped away to wail my hopeless grief to no-one. 

Then recently the thick haze came back, and I couldn’t focus again, and I panicked and almost hurt myself.  And I let my new friends see me like that, in that broken panic.  Now they’re scared and angry and it makes me want to run away and hide and fade into oblivion.  I’m so tired of it all.

Yeah.  That’s me.  Probably not the worst story out there… but, yeah. 

1 Comment
  1. LJ 13 years ago

    It doesnt matter if it is the worst story out there or not. It is your story and what you feel and have gone through matters. Unless your friends or family suffer from depression, no matter how much they may want to help, they just cant understand what you go through. So what you interpret as anger may be them feeling helpless, wanting to help but not knowing how. You are not alone. everyone here has been where you are in one way or another. Take care.   LJ

    0 kudos

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