Feeling like I am going away again.  Tried to meditate no help.  Did one thing today went to unemployment office to get things set up.  Scheduled CT scan for Friday for neck and abdomen and MRI for Sat for our head.  had to reschedule therapy today thinking I had testing today.  So messed up.  Depression sucks boulders for sure.  Hubby going in to see urologist tomorrow about biopsy.  does this ever end.  maybe.  still hard thinking about him having cancer after we have more testing ourselves to check things out.  At least no recurring breast cancer hurray but it always seems to be something.  This blog is my second time writing.  It amazes me to write because I can't journal at all so fearful of reading my own stuff.  Maybe because things aren't as chaotic now as before.  I would hate to see something happen to SO because losing Steve was hard enough.  But have my kids and so glad.  Losing a husband to suicide is no piece of cake especially when you are feeloing the same.  That was an awful year.  but it is this time of year the anniversary of his death that is difficult even when you move on it is hard.  today 2008 have to remember that.  Also seems that first time in so many years actually have a good therapist to work thru my stuff.  Can't believe you can get dx'd with something and yet no one in your city can even help you…why even dx.  Later talk on that but at least they could help with the suicidal thoughts and the depression and panic attacks and then the confrontation with our father that was big.  Now wish it never happened but it kept us alive.  body hurts today but thinking it is just getting older or immune system down who the hell knows but at least we will know what is up after the scans.  Luther is sitting close to me today….I need to go to meditation class tonight and just don't feel like it.  Not motivated.  Try and come back later and write about the feelings that Dr. C wants me to connect to….that shameful place is so strong but can't connect to it I do try to find it tho.  lonely bored sad today

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