I just wanted to say that I’ve been feeling pretty sad recently.
I don’t know how I could ever take my life. Every time I want to die I just see people’s faces when they’re at my funeral- my friends, my family, even people who have stopped talking to me for various reasons. They would be so devastated.
Which is why I feel so guilty about doing it, and about wanting to do it. People ask me how I could possibly go, when there are so many good things in my life?
I honestly don’t know. There are a lot of good things in my life, but it’s also super hard sometimes. I don’t have cancer, I haven’t lost a loved one(at least old enough to remember), I don’t live in an abusive household, my life is pretty good compared to a lot of people. But it’s still hard for me. Getting up in the morning when I feel like a piece of garbage is hard for me. Ignoring the thoughts that I’m worthless and no one cares is hard for me. Smiling when I feel like dying is hard.
Why do I keep going?
I’ve been asking that question a lot lately. Part of it is that I hope for more- a boyfriend, money, a degree in psychology, kids, experiences. But a lot of that is hard to see happening. It’s not guaranteed. What if I never find the right guy? What if I can’t have kids? What if being a therapist turns out to be too much work?
So if that’s not it, then why?
Part of me also feels guilty that maybe there is someone out there waiting for me like I’m waiting for him, and he’ll be single his whole life, wondering if he’s ever going to meet me, and then he finds out that I’m already dead. I’d be abandoning him before we’d even met.
I guess the biggest reason that I’m still alive is that I believe that God has a plan for my life. I know great things can happen if I trust Him. Maybe there’s a reason I deal with this. I’ll miss out if I leave. Maybe this is all part of His plan. Sometimes I can see proof of that. People reach out on bad days. My professors don’t get mad at me when I turn in homework late. My mom lets something slide, or I find a super cute dress at a store when I’d been hoping to find something exactly like that.
God’s hand is in my life. I don’t know how I’m going to make it, but somehow His grace is going to make up for every battle and night spent crying on the bathroom floor.
Of course I need help. Of course I can’t do this alone. It’s terrifying to ask for it, since I’m already so mean to myself, any criticism would just shatter my soul. But God is always going to stand by me, and He will make me stronger.
I know trials are hard, but they do make us stronger. And in the end, we will look back on our lives and let out a whoop of joy as we see how far we’ve come. It’s worth it.