I still haven’t gotten anything done tonight, and it’s already two in the morning. I got side-tracked. . . Always side-tracked. . . I’m thinking of taking a shower soon. . .
I had a crying fit earlier. I’ve been crying for the past few days. I’m having a very hard time coping with something very painful. One of the reasons I was so self-destructive as a teenager is coming back, and I feel like I’m crumbling down on the in and out-side. I haven’t been able to eat or drink much. Tomorrow I will be putting on the mask of being happy and cheery. I in no-way have a drinking problem (and goodness willing I never will), but I know I’m going to be drinking at the restaurant because I want to. I don’t want to be in my head. I want to be at peace and not dying to shave off every last piece of my skin, or at least day-dreaming about it. I have thick-red marks up and down my arms and legs from lashing out at myself while I was crying. I don’t know why I did it, I couldn’t stop it. I cut my nails a few days ago for cautionary reasons, and now I’m glad I did or it would have been a mess. . .
I just always feel like I haven’t a purpose. I try to take care of everyone both because I love them but I know it’s also to try to compensate for how worthless I feel. "If I can do good, then at least it’s something." I know many people feel the same way I do and for the same reasons. . . It’s just hard sucking it up all the time. It’s hard to tell yourself "you’re worth it, you’re smart, and you can do anything you want" when you get to the point where you think, "so what if I can? What does that matter? That doesn’t change things. That doesn’t remove the abuse. That doesn’t remove the vileness and cruelty of the world. That doesn’t remove the problems, that doesn’t make you reborn or have new skin. The future can not change the past." . . . So I’m feeling hopeless. The only answer I can hope to give myself is stoning up my insides and allowing nihilism to take over.
I want to go do bodily damage to myself, but I know that won’t help. I think I will go take a freezing cold shower. That always helps to put me in another world for a while.
I feel so pathetic, but I hope so much to be drunk tomorrow. I have to be honest with myself. Yay. . . Pathetic. . .