I got totally frustrated with DT today. It wouldn’t let me open anything, or post any blogs. Luckily I have them saved to a word document, so I didn’t loose anything. I wonder if anyone else was having this problem? Don’t know.

I still haven’t left the house, although I did go into the backyard and sit on the back stairs while my sister played with my dog Jazz. It was nice and cool outside, with a slight breeze. I kind of daydreamed and stared at the clouds.  The sky was a nice bright blue and the clouds a perfect white. I love looking up at the clouds and making shapes. I wonder if it works simular to the traditional ink blot test?. Depending on what you see, it means different things. I would like to do one of those tests one day.  Now there are some dark clouds coming over the mountain so I’m guessing it’s going to rain in the next few hours.

I haven’t even got out of my pyjamas. I live in them. I find myself having a shower and getting back into them. The only time I get out of them is if I’m going out, which is not very often. I hope there is nothing wrong with that. I just find them more comfortable. Considering I spend a lot of my day in bed, there isn’t much point getting dressed.  I don’t even brush my hair most days, I just put it back in a plait so it doesn’t get in my way. I couldn’t not tie it back though, that, unfortunately is one of the perils of having extremely curly hair.

I watched the movie, City Of Angels today. It’s the one with Nicholas Cage and Meg Ryan in it. It’s a lovely movie. It got me thinking about live after death. I wonder if there are angels around us, walking the earth, waiting to take us to where ever we go after death. I’m somewhat of an atheist, I don’t know if I believe in Heaven or Hell or even God. If there is a heaven and a hell I wonder where I’d fit? I guess it’s just another segregation that could occur. If there is a god, my guess it’s a man, and if I ever get to meet him, I’m going to kick him in the balls. How dare he put me though so much pain and mystery. When I was younger I went to Sunday school. We did it for a while; I went to some Christian camps and things like that. I gave up on the idea of god when my life started going to crap. When I was younger I thought the idea of God and heaven and all of that sounded so wonderful. I even went to church a few times, by myself, and prey. My prayers were never answered. No surprise there. I can’t stand people trying to force me into their religions. If I want to believe in something I will, and I don’t need you trying to make me believe in something different. I wonder what the churches stand on suicide is. I wonder if it’s a sin.

I was talking to my aunt today. She was telling me about how she’s going to buy a wedding dress from Ebay. When I heard how happy she is, I can’t hurt her. I’m going to have to do something about him. This can’t keep going on. He is pressuring me too much, and I can’t stand it. If I don’t answer his txt, straight away he’s like “So you don’t like me anymore huh?, I knew you didn’t love me like I love you” and things like that. I can’t handle him pressuring me. I have enough pressure on me as it is.

I think my problem is that I just want someone to love me, and I’m willing to take any man that loves me. I have never felt loved by a man. Never truly loved. Maybe it’s possible that this comes from not having a loving relationship with my father. I’m not sure. I have only ever had 2 boyfriends. How pathetic is that?! I didn’t have my first kiss until I was about 16. It was outside a swimming pool. The other guy, it lasted about a week, He found someone better, more attractive, more wonderful than myself. I have only had one sexual partner, and that was a one night stand. How disgusting. I always wanted my first time to be a wonderful experience, with someone I love, but no, I lost my virginity to a guy from a nightclub. Don’t even know his name. It’s so degrading. After these experiences, I realized that no man would ever love me, for me. Wouldn’t make me change, just unconditional love. Is that too much to ask? I just have to realize that I’m too ugly for anyone to love. I’m ugly inside and out. Just outright ugly.

U.G.L.Y