I am not sure where to begin with this, but I suppose from the beginning would be a good start. Actually, perhaps not, because I don't know when the beginning was. Whatever. Here goes:
I feel the need to express myself in ways that I cannot comprehend. I have built a mass amount of emotions inside of me and I just need some sort of outlet before I reach the exploding point.
The past nine years have really taken their toll on me (I'm not complaining, just explaining), and these past few months have really, really had an effect on me. I have recently got out of a demeaning relationship, and the leftover thoughts/memories now haunt me. I usually find my head aching from thinking so rapidly, and I begin to shake when I think about him. I know that is entirely unhealthy, but I also know that time will heal me, right?
I guess at this point I should list off my fears because they have a tendency to consume me.
I'm afraid of being in a room filled with people- this obviously effects my social life. I am nineteen, and rather than partying, I prefer to be with someone one on one. I don't think this is normal. What is "normal"? I don't know.
I'm afraid of urinating in public washrooms.
I'm afraid of calling people because I don't want to bother them.
I ask too many questions when I am anxious because it distracts me, and I …. see too many possible answers to a question?
I often feel disconnected from those around me, including myself.
My frontal lobe hurts at times and makes me feel wonky.
Sometimes I feel so "off" that I honestly think I am going insane. I don't know how to control this.
I often lose my appetite because I think of that ex and it creeps me out/makes me ill. On top of this, sometimes I'm scared to consume sugar because it makes me worry too much. I don't understand it.
I also have this new fear of drinking, and that really sucks because I quite enjoy having a cold beer. The next day, especially, I feel like a complete nutbag and I panic.
I just want to get over all of these things. I want to heal, and I am trying, but I don't know what steps to take. I suppose I just need to know that people understand the state that I am in and I am needing even just an ounce of hope to get me through the next while.
I am deteriorating.