Well, I had planned to have a psych eval last thursday. Plans changed, wednesday night I snapped and admitted myself to the local emergency department with sucidial ideation. They transfered me to a crisis stabilization unit. I stayed there from thursday to sunday. They had wanted to keep me for 15 days, then it was downgraded to 8, but after 3 days, I'd had enough of the unit and signed out AMA. Honestly, I had self stabilized after the first day. I just needed time and space to sort through my shit, make lists, get reorganized and refocused and move forward. The doctors at the unit put me on zoloft, and made a list of DSM V diagnostic codes. Most of which I dont agree with, but who am I to argue, I don't have alphabet soup after my name. I have enough zoloft to last 15 days, then I have to see a primary care physician (which I don't have), so that I can get enough medication to make it til I can see the psychiatrist that the unit place me with. The appointment is in the middle of May, seriously this is March. The best advice they gave me was to return to the unit if I couldnt find a primary care physician. That's not an option. I thought being on the unit would be helpful, but the only thing it did was add to the craziness in my head. The first two days I was ok, the last two I gave up, I quit going to the groups (which were scheduled every hour, except for the three meal times), I quit going to meals, and I just stayed in bed. We were not allowed visitors, and the only contact with my fiance was a 10 minute call every night. Then again the unit I was on was both for crisis stabilization and for detox, so most of the group work and care was centered for detox. I went into the unit completely clean, so detox wasn't an issue for me.

Am I better? No, I don't necessarily believe I am, but what I am is able to cope with things better. I realized on the unit that all the things I used to do to keep myself stable (make lists, make daily goals, have a flexible routine, go to synagogue, go for walks) I had quit doing for one reason or another. I'm back to doing all those things, I'll take the zoloft, but honestly, I don't think I need drugs, I need talk time. and I need to make moves to start transitioning from female to male because it's the gender identity junk that fucks with my head the most.