I managed to stay in the house until i caught the 2.55pm bus. I couldn’t be home when my sister got home from school. That would raise questions about class that I don’t want to answer, so avoidance is required- And carefull planning.
I went into town, the did the usual ritual of catching bus after bus, but not actually going anywhere in particular. It wasn’t until the sun was behind the mountian that I decided that I wanted to walk.
I got off the bus at one point and walked down to the inter-city cycleway and started walking. I certianly wasn’t dressed for it. I did have my scate shoes on, so thats a good thing. By this time, it was dark. Normally I would be scared of doing something like this. Being on a path, mostly unlit, and not in plain view of any roads- however this time, it felt exhilarating. The air was very cold, yet my body felt hot. At a few of the bridges along the way, I stoped and looked down. Thoughts of jumping off plagued my mind alot. There was definatly a part of me that was hoping that someone might come out and mug me. Just to feel alive. To know that I can actually feel again. I made sure that I walked through a known "unsafe" suburb.
It wasn’t until I come to an intersection, that i realised how far I had walked. I really wasn’t paying attention. I think I may have walked at least 2 kilometres before I woke up. I don’t know how long I had been walking. To most this would seem like a short distance, but for me- who hardly walks anywhere, this is quite a distance. I made my way up to the main road, making sure I took the back roads, still hoping that maybe someone might jump out, or a car would hit me. Of course it didn’t, and i made my way to the nearest bus stop and headed back into town.
I stooped to a new low today. I’m very ashamed.. I can’t even bring myself to say what it is. I’m turning into a monster, and i feel so very out of control. I am out of control. The dependancy is growing further and further into an addiction; and i’m terrified, yet so scared to get the help I need.