I am doing well in my journey through life; stable meds, good personal (tho sparce) support, fair professional support.

But, it's that time of year again. I was sexually abused repeatedly on xmas day for years. My much older cousins would get my brother and i high and my oldest cousin would drag me off. And besides that, there was the mind games and abuse from my father during the season all the while I lived at home. The perfectly good car wouldnt start so we would be two hours late for xmas. Two hours of suffering the anger of my father as he took it out on my mother and us. Somettimes violence. He had a rough life……and passed it on.

I am 47 now. I have been thru much treatment. I practice mindfulness meditation, try to live in the moment, and use all the tools I have learned in my recovery 12 step programs. I moved 1000 miles away with my partner and have built an awesome life. I work with people who have mewntal illness and its very rewarding. I paint when I am inspired.

I am frustrated because the memories come back. What bad luck to have ~Christmas~ trigger memorys and feelings that are horrific. I have post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) along with social anxiety. I also have bipolar disorder. Nature and nuture……now I nurture myself and seek out the right people who can help me. I hate that dealing with this s*it takes tiime away from my creative process.

I think I need to trade in my psychologist tho. Last week my father (parents live 1000 miles away) got on the phone to tell me I would never see the f*cking home movies that i asked my mother to get a copy of for me. MY contact with him is nil and has been for years. I confronted him about the abuse decades ago. My contact with Mom was only to get a copy of the good memories i do have. Now that won't happen. I am angry. The forgiveness process has been going on for years. Do they have to die for me to get over this? So……..my pychologist suggusts i send them a "nice" xmas card because I told her i wanted to send him a card telling him off. She says she is "a mirror of my good self". I could'nt pass for a Nun and i am certainly NOT out for sainthood.

My Gramma will be 88 soon. I only call my mother to get info about my Gramma. I have already begun to grieve the loss of an amazing woman , my Gram, who saved my life by keeping me at her house on weekends when i was growing up.She allowed me to use paint and do crafts- things that werent allowed in my father's house. She taught me so much. And, she loved Xmas.

Sorry; this is alot. I am waiting from a call back fom my psychologist but she is booked this week…so I can't see her. Maybe she can talk to me on the phone. I won't leave home when I feel like this. I am safe here with my three dogs and I built a comforting fire in the fireplace (chilly here in FL today). MTV is a nice distraction lol.

I think this is the longest blog I ever wrote. Thank you if you read it. Maybe someone will understand.

I NEED TO FUNCTION and right now I cant!




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