I am thinking that it is me. It has to be me. If I am a nice person they people would want to be around me, care what happens to me, and generally be friendly.
I realize this seems like such a small issue compaired to all the large ones going on in my life right now. But to me its the biggest one. A year ago I had what I thought was a large, close knit, loving family and 3 very close friends. At this moment I have 1 relative who cares if I am alive or dead and no friends who do. Its been a very hard thing trying to learn to love myself while everyone who used to love me refuses to talk to me. Its been very hard.
I am frustrated today also because I am unable to get food stamps until May and I still cant get the reference I need or the license for nursing.
Maybe a new approach is needed? At this point 8 people have left me. To be honest I am absolutely terrified to open up again. Terrified. Its never been easy for me to let people close. Usually it took a while for me to trust them enough. But that approach sure didnt help me when I needed people the most. What is the point of having friendships if when you really need someone nobody is there? If all I am good for is helping others and not getting anything in return…..I had better take a hiatus from friends for a while. I am rather beat down right now.
It is sooooo hard to tell if I feel this way because I am right or because depression is talking. Maybe nobody has anyone there for them when they hit the bottom. Maybe we are always meant to deal with the valley's all alone.
Or maybe my personality is so yucky that people only can stand me around when I am helping them. I have no idea. All I can say is that right now I am so scared to try and make new friends and I am not really wanting to sacrifice once again for the two friends I still sort of have. For both of them I have helped them over and over again when they were in need. When I am in need though….they are no where to be found. You'd swear their phones dont work lol. I am not angry, just very sad, confused and scared.