It is just about 1 am. It is cool and dark in my room. The Irish Dancers and bagpipes are keeping good company. Earlier before I sat down here, I had my keyboard turned on, so I started to "accompany" the bagpipes player because I do love that instrument so much. This is not your typical bagpipes as the Scottish men play. This is an Irish man. He has a bellows deal up under his right arm that he pumps by moving his arm and that makes for the air that fills his pipes. I bet if you tried this instrument you would find it near impossible to get a pretty tone from it. I get the feeling that the person and the instrument must be very connected. But as I played my piano I felt a little apprehension that maybe I couldn't do it, but right away I found the bass notes that sounded so pretty with his so very sad melody… I played with him, repeating the tune a couple of times as I ran around getting ready for bed, then the last time I played it, my fingers went to chords so naturally, so deep and pure, so perfectly in time with his haunting melody… And it matters not that no one can hear what I can do, or how beautiful it is, or how easy it is for me to do it. The love and the happiness I have when I do that is unmeasureable and nothing else matters. I am perfect. Because I can be a part of beautiful music. I can make something beautiful! I can make something amazing even more so. It is so much fun and I am so grateful that I can still do it. I am a very old girl now, so it is all the more fabulous!
Tonite I played my heart out for a friend whom I love dearly yet I will probably never get to hug her and really affect her life as I wish to. She is so very sad, and it is beyond me that she would be. She is as beautiful as the most beautiful butterfly, and so many people from all over this world love her, I dare say as much as I do, and that is a lot indeed. I think of her as my little sister, and since I never had a sister, and always dreamed of one, she means the very world to me. I think she knows that and she loves me too. But I can't help her. I don't know the words to say or the things to do to make anything better. I am just as embattled and bruised at times, and so every day that I can, I listen to things that might help me and I try to find people the same way. People who also strive to be better, to help others and to fight the good fight for all the right reasons. Instead of focusing on what I don't have, I constantly feel gratitude for what I do have, because I know so many other people have not. I try to help others whenever I have the opportunity. I have offered my help to many, some took it, some did not. But when I say I love my little sister and I dream of hugging her and being with her so that maybe I could help her see how amazing and wonderful she really is, I mean that with all my heart and soul. But she is so lost right now, she will not answer me. I do not think she is talking with anyone and I do not know where she is. It is breaking my heart. Of all the things I could wish for right this second, I would only wish that she is okay and holding on, and breathing and grateful. That she will not give up, because it is not even an option. It is not a choice. She must continue on, and try even harder, to smile. To feel, to love, and let others love her. Fully and completely, so that she will never ever be alone again. That all the love that surrounds her already will be a beautiful sparkling never-ending waterfall of stardust and love and cool clear water, just for her. She stands there like a blinding angel, so beautiful so bright, she takes your breath away!
So starting out this morning, I was at my worst truly. All disconnected, mind from body, lost, grasping, fearful. Looking at all the empty places as failures. All the unfinished dreams as failures. I felt tired of looking at that same lame person in the mirror. I was out of food for my animals, and tired of eating eggs and the sad excuse for 'bread' that I had been trying to eat. I fed everyone the last of everything. Everyone ate and felt better. But they can always sense my worry and concern and they even ate like it was their last meal. My big dog was quite crazy, looking for the next guy's bowl he could rob, even out to the back porch to take the cat food I had just offered. I have one young male Spooky and a very very old Calico Cherokee. The dog got their food and I was furious. It was all just too much. So I called in two distress calls. Sometimes you have to do it. Sometimes you have to know when to ask for help. One friend was sick himself and not feeling well and I saw proof of it two days ago and was quite worried for him. The heat is so intense I totally did not want him to come out, but stay in. Later this evening, he called and said he was coming out. When he did show up, he had so many things to help me, I can't even tell you. I didn't ask for one thing, I just let him know I was coming "unglued." And when he got here, he had absolutely everything I could ever want or need and more, so much more. We (me and the anmals) are all fat and happy tonite and we will all be okay until the money hits the bank and I can re-group.
What my friend doesn't even know, is that the very best gift he gave me tonite was that he is going to use my lot next door, for his home base, as he is going through a transition in his life, and he is very sad to lose his love. And I hate being alone and that all my hard work is going unused. He is selling his house and buying a travel trailer. He already has a good truck to pull it. And he can use what is next door to make a great home base. I know that between us and my other friend, we will survive and have tons of fun in the bargain. My only condition was that when he goes out and travels to see his family and his friends, and he goes in somewhere and sees postcards, I would really appreciate if he would pick out a nice one for me and send it! He agreed! So I don't have to be sad when he leaves, because I know he will always come back, and when he is gone, I will get nice cards in the mail!
My other friend, my previous roommate, did everything in his power to borrow some money so he could drive about 150 miles to come help. He loves these animals so very much and they love him tremendously. I can only say his name and they all run to the window to see if he has come. His friend where he is living, his friend since they were just kids, is going to loan him the money in the morning around 7:30 or 8 and he is going to drive before the heat sets in really bad, and he will bring me food for the kittens, and his company will help me tons. I do miss him and I think that his being gone has helped us both to appreciate our friendship and our love so much more. Enough that we will be able to sit down and do the adult "responsibility" thing like budgets, etc. to get this farm under better management. And I so need that sort of help. He will help me make this home the wonderful place we always dreamed it could be. I think he really will this time, if I just be kind. When you get older, you need a little more time to get things done, and some days you just can't do anything if you don't feel good. I get that. There is no rush. Any help at all, any companionship is greatly appreciated. I expect he will get here before noon, so I can go to bed tonite completely opposite of what I started out the day like. It is quite the miracle. At least it seems that way to me. Who does that? Who goes out and spends their own money to buy groceries for someone else? I've only known this man for a few months now. And he's never hurt me, or disappointed me, always been a total gentleman. And now again, he has gone far beyond what was hoped for. As for my old friend, he is the rock that keeps me balanced. I appreciate that now and I feel so special and so lucky tonite. I have a fat kitten asleep on my shoulder, the Indigo Girls are singing a beautiful folk song in my right ear and the fan is blowing cold air on my other side. My cup runneth over… I will say my prayers in a minute and I will hope and pray that all of my friends here can find the abundance and the hope and the help that I found today. Just believe, just ask, and it shall be given. Dance my bebbehs, dance and be happy! It just ain't that bad sometimes. Love is everything. And it flows both ways. My sweet baby sister, I hope you can feel it tonite… let it give you courage and strength to find your bliss. That is what I wish for you all.