Every time I have a new revelation it takes me a little while to process it and put it into my view of the world. Of course I never let on that this is occurring, I normally just act more depressed than normal and pretend that nothing is happening.
Unfortunately today one of these revelations coincided with a doctors appointment. So now he thinks I’ve gone waaay downhill and is looking at more medication. I’m so sick of doctors trying to change meds.
Anyway doctors aside I have finally worked out why I hate my family. It would appear that I was emotionally deprived as a child, or so says my psychologist. Allegedly this normally starts occurring at the pre-verbal stage. So having a father working long hours, and a mother with depression when I was at the age of one doesn’t really give me much chance. This certainly would have been reinforced by my three elder sisters who treated me as a toy rather than a person.
My current th o ery (damn rats on the keyboard) is this: My emotional deprivation has caused a lot of resentment toward my family because I see them as the main source of emotional support, of which I got very little. Furthermore my increased hostility toward my father is due to his prolonged absence during my childhood and his complete inability to display emotion.
I’m not even going to arc up about how lame it sounds to be depressed because my daddy didn’t love me, but that’s what popular psychology would have me believe.
This also explains why I had such a negative reaction when Housemate A decided she no longer felt she could give me a hug when I needed one. Housemate A had become my sole emotional support (although she didn’t know it), and her rejection sent into a major depressive state.
And with her demotion from emotional support to regular person I have been ignoring her as well as everybody else (which she isn’t taking particularly well I don’t think).
So I’m back to square one. I have no social network, no pleasure in life and no emotional support. On the bright side my desire to act on suicidal thoughts remains relatively low despite the bleak outlook.
It’s nice to have a clear picture of the problem in your head.