It has been more than a month since the break up. A few months since I've seen him.
Before that I thought I was meant to spend this life all by myself. That I did not deserve to be happy and that nobody would love somebody who sometimes hates herself and with so many problems.

Even at 26, he was my first love. The first 'real relationship' I've had. I love him with all my heart and therefore gave him everything I had. But it wasn't enough for him. He is looking for a better person, a person who has more to offer. And he still has feelings for somebody else.
Since the break up, I've been carrying more sadness and even a bit of angry feelings in my heart. Life isn't fair. I felt used and like a piece of paper. He threw me away like I was nothing for him when he was everything for me. He gave up on me so soon. He did not even bother to do it personally. But it is a feeling I've been getting used to.

Now after sometime, I try to understand that he wants to be happy too and that he can't be happy with somebody he doesn't love.Let alone somebody with my problems. Iwill always love him and that's why I have to let him go so he can be happy. Even if it hurts like hell.

Maybe time will heal this hurt in time, maybe not. But I also now that I did the best that I couldbut you can't make somebody love you. And you can't certainly not make them stay with you if they don't want to. So I just need to try and let it go. I will try to not be a lonely female forever, I have myself and that's the only one I can trust in this life really. I just need to try to be happy with myself.

I have been mourning the death of my only friend and the love of my life. But now I let it go. Sure it will still be hard but I will not hold grudges or hatred in my heart (or try to). I will try to let this make me wiser and stronger. And let it be a lesson that I need to put myself first instead of a man who does not even love me. I need to love myself more.

I wish him all the best in the future. Hope he finds what his looking for.

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