So…Haven't really posted much this weekend. Things have just escaped me and honestly I couldn't have express the feelings that drowned me during it.

Anyway, So Saturday- Without any warning or heads up whats so ever- I was told We were going to the UCF football game (that I could care less about…) and so just the thought of that many people filled in the arena and just outside of the campus…

Well you know…I went into a full blown panic attack. Then, shortly after before it was time to leave, Mom and Dad got into ANOTHER fight…over where to place a TV…and it blew up into this huge thing AGAIN…

I won't even bother telling you how the rest of that fight went. Long-story-short, Myself and my brother was put in the middle of it again, having to pick sides, and try to escape with our heads.

Then mom was like "Go with your dad to the game, I don't feel like going now" …again long-story-short we ended up going to the game with Dad…just when I thought i'd be able to get out of it..

At first this was supposed to be an (failed) attempt to have a family day, but then mom backs out -like always- , and forced myself and my brother to do whatever it is she backed out of…

If she doesn't have to go..Why should I? Especially when I feel like i'm going to keel over and die at just the fucking THOUGHT of going to that fucking game?

Anyway…like I said we went, I sat there in the sun, silently fighting off a panic attack, and not to mention there were these loud kids behind me, and when i'm in a panic attack or just anxiety i'm sensitive to EVERYTHING-

EVERYTHING, I tell you..Light,noise,Touch,Etc….. So needless to say, that situation did NOT help…

After the game I fled to the fucking car, and just couldn't wait to go home…Of course when we did, I fell asleep for about half-an-hour only to be woken up by mom and dad fighting once again.

Then they didn't talk to each other for the rest of the night, and to make matters worse- One thing I was trying to avoid and deny was actually happening-

I'm sick…I think my uncle got me sick from thanksgiving since he was well…you know sick when I saw him. So now I have horrible sinus and what not, and it's made my symptoms of when I get anxiety ten times worse…

if that makes sense. and I've been hurling my guts out- This time not on purpose, though I did have a bad moment with my eating disorder this morning to be honest…

So that's how most of Saturday and early today (since it's like 3am right now) has been going…Needless to say I feel like shit, and I just feel like i'm going to snap at any goddamn moment..

So sick of even trying…I won't even tell you the fight I got into with this person I know the other day..(fight happened over the internet)

Several times, I've come to the end of the road (or so I thought) and have tried to end it all and Honestly, if it were to happen again- I just wish that this time, When I crashed at that end-

I didn't survive, I wouldn't have to struggle just to wake up, to breath…But i'm not that lucky, so here I am. Barely living.

anyway, I'm gonna stop now…sorry to bug you all…I guess I'll 'see' everyone later…

Hope everyone else in the Tribe is doing well…Bye…

(Deepest Cut- Get Scared…just if you wanna listen to it I guess…) www.youtube.com/watch