I don't know what the hell happened today. I have been freaking out all morning and last night as well. I guess I freaked out because my boyfriend left earlier than usual (which, like seriously, is there a time limit to the time he has to stay with me) and he left without saying "I love you" which did strike me as odd, however he had said it before he left when we were just watching tv in my room. Then when he got home he took a long time to reply and when he finally did I kept accusing him of acting weird which I don't know why. I mean, he was acting a little weird. But then he said he was tired and that he kept falling asleep and I do remember a few times when he would act weird he said it was because he kept falling asleep but there is this nagging voice inside my head that keeps saying he doesn't love me anymore and he;s going to leave me just like the rest of them. Then this morning he always texts me in the morning and this morning he took super long and when he finally did he was acting alittle strange and I brought it up again and he said that nothing is wrong and why did I keep asking so I said that I felt like he was acting different and he said he didn;t notice himself acting different and I said yeah it's just when he texts and he apologized which made me feel really bad because I don't know if this is all in my head or am I really seeing some change here. I just hate this feeling.I bought myself a sandwich and chips from Jimmy Johns for lunch today and I couldn't even finish it. I ate a little less than half the sandwich and ate like 5 chips because I felt this overwhelming urge to cry so I went to the bathroom and cried for like 10 minutes. I don' t know what's wrong with me, I don't know why this is happening to me. I just want us to be happy like before. I just want to be happy again. Before I wouldn't care how long he took to text me back, before i wouldn't feel insecure and sad I would overlook things and now they are really starting to bother me and I feel like I"m acting the way I did in previous relationships and I'm afraid I'm going to drive him away. I really don't want to do that because i really have fallen for him. I love every little face he makes. I love it when he smiles, I love it when he laughs. I love it when he eats, when he makes any little face I love seeing him. I love being with him, I love the feeling of his skin against mine, I love feeling his hands rub my back and my legs when I'm tired from teaching Zumba and working all day. I love the way he smells after work, after a shower. I just need him in my life period and I don't want this paranoid episode to drive him away from me like it did all the others. Can someone please help me calm down and get over this rough patch? I really don't want to ruin things with him. can someone please help me?
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Thank you so much for commenting. Yes, I have been the exact same way in every relationship and being that way is what drove them to break up with me. Well, i spoke to current bf and apologized for acting like a crazed lunatic (which my self-awareness from previous relationships causes me to be EXTREMELY self-conscious) and he said that he's seen some pretty crazy ladies in his life and that I don't compare to that so he understands more or less how I feel. Luckily, though, he has acted the same way I do. Well, worse, because he'll go so far as to accuse me to cheating on him with exes or he'll say that I'm going to do it eventually so I might as well admit to it now. But anyway, we seemed to have resolved our issues and I seriously think that I was overreacting because he had done that before where he'll take a while to text me back and it won't bother me at all. Like with him, (unlike other guys) I'm just like "Oh, he must be busy doing laundry, watching tv not paying attention to his phone, etc. and just all of a sudden it was like I got these strong panic attacks where I was letting the fear consume me. But thank you so much, again, for commenting. I think I need a brown paper bag to breathe into. 😀
Thank you, Angel! You both really are angels! But yes, I talked to him about it and he was really understanding about the the whole situation. It was funny, because this past weekend we went downtown and the night turned out very beautiful. It was nothing but clear skies & light breezes. We walked through the King William Historic neighborhood (which is nothing but huge houses built in the 1800s) and walked through a park and the night just turned out so beautiful. Well, when we were sitting on a bench at the park I was leaning on his shoulder and there's this fountain that's supposed to imitate the sound of rain. Well, with the breeze blowing the water from the fountain at us like a drizzle we said it felt like we had the window open during a rainstorm and it just felt so peaceful because despite being located in the downtown area it was pretty quite and all we could hear were like cars & voices talking in the distance. Well, we agreed that that would be our "referral" moment because we just felt so peaceful and it felt like time literally stopped just for us to enjoy our time together. So whenever he gets his episodes (he has dissociative identity disorder) I'll tell him, "Baby, remember that night we went to Hemisfair park & everything just felt right?" and he snaps back into his normal self. It's not an easy feat to come by, but just like I tell him to think of that moment I try to think of it myself when I feel an attack coming on. Thank you so much for your help and support!