Somehow I’ve managed to finally rid myself from the ones I wanted away. Finally, I have the chance to set the standards higher, than finding something I have no emotion over. The thing is, I can set my standard high and maybe one day I will get that. But that’s not what I yearn for. It’s funny how no matter who or what comes a long in life that there’s always that one thing that you refer it all back to. Is that an obsession or just to desire to regain the lost?
People keep asking when was the last time you were truely happy? I don’t want to answer that question anymore. It’s nostalgic and makes you smile when you put yourself back to that time. The people, the feelings everything that made you happy. But then you remember that you don’t have that anymore, it was all taken away. I don’t want to be reminded of what I used to have, of my losses. It only becomes a reminder of how bad things have become.
I kept searching for a new security. Then I realised that it didn’t matter, it’s not the old security I used to have. It’s worrying and often sad to think that eventually I could never believe in anything new. Sometimes I get something or someone better than before and I just want to throw it away because it’s not the same. It’s like your favourite childhood toy breaking, you get bought something better but it’s not the same.
So that’s just about why the fear exists. I never dwell. And now I wonder if these standards that have barely fell into place, are asking too much, when I know it’s going to take a miracle. I know the bright is there but it’s not enough to rid the dark. It’s like giving up when you’re a meter from the finish line.
Yet, I found myself in this situation before. It was the easiest thing, and never lasted pro-longed periods of time. After the recovery I took on something else and I forgot about what happened before. Am I just denying myself the fact that this time I am dwelling and I can’t forget. I think I know the answer and it’s time. For some reason beyond my knowledge this time round I’ve had the chances, I’ve been given the better things and people but I haven’t given myself the time to forget about everything before properly. And until then, I won’t attempt these searches because I know it’s not until I have forgotten that I can accept and appreciate everything I’m being thrown