This morning we went to church. It was a very nice service. We came home and spent sometime cleaning up outside. My husband played with the kids a while and I read a bit.
I tried to spend most of the day resting but I felt I didnt really deserve it or something. I'm not sure. I felt restless and like I should be doing something but I was pretty worn out.
Now its evening. The sun is going down. On the outside it seems like I had a good day but inside I feel horrible. I really dont know why. I dont understand why I feel so bad. I feel like a failure and I dont understand why. I just want to be able to feel alright when I am not working/cleaning/fixing etc….
Am I feeling loneliness? Frustration? I do not know. I desperately want a job. I deserately want to hear something from my references or from one of the jobs that I have applied for. I desperately want to hear something from the school. If the kids could go to school it would help so much too.
I think it might be that I feel that all good things must come from me. My husband hasnt suprised me or done anything nice for me once since he was fired. The closest he gets is to ask what he can do but often he delegates whatever I say to a kid. They are rarely old enough for whatever it was so I end up finding out it wasnt really done or not done well. I think I just feel very…….worthless? maybe? Generally the kids are not that happy with me because I am the one who makes them do their chores and checks up on them and does their school work. I am trying to do too many things so I end up doing several things but never really doing a great job on any of them. I seem to let my husband down a lot. I know that I let my Grandma down nearly every day. I dont call her as often as she really needs and I dont always follow up like I should.
I've been having bad dreams. The details are all different but most of the point seems the same. I fail. I make a mistake or two or three or I dont know what to do……everything starts falling apart because of me and I end up failing everyone.
I have spent the last month working towards the same goals. LoL I have not really accomplished any of them!!!! RN license….they say it is in the mail but I have yet to see it. Need two references…. I got one the first day and cant seem to get anyone to get back to me now. Need a job…..cant seem to get one. Need a school for the kids…..still awaiting word on that. Need food stamps or some kind of assistance…..still waiting (may 6th). Its like no matter what I do its just not quite enough to actually make a real difference. Its very frustrating to work hard on something every day. Put hours and hours into it everyday but never see progress.
I usually have a pretty positive outlook but today I sure dont. I dont like this feeling. I dont think its the depression….it feels different. I have a feeling its either negative self talk……..or low self esteem, or stress or a combination of them all. I just feel like I would love for someone to give me a hug and hold me while I cry for a long while.