So far it seems as though this was a great idea. I have been a member of this site for about a day now and I already feel more welcome than I ever have any where else. Everyone has been very nice to me and that is a big change. David is at the store right now so I have a few extra minutes and can maybe type a little more tonight. I hate saying it like that though because I feel like I’m sneaking around him and I guess I am. But it isn’t like he’s a jerk or would yell at me or anything if he knew and it isn’t like he’s controlling at all. He’s actually the exact opposite, he’s very sweet and he treats me like a goddess. That’s exactly why I don’t tell him I am so miserable. If I do he’ll just blame himself and probably start crying and freaking out and then he will be miserable all the time and everything will be ten times worse. So thats why I have to pretend everythings fine and dandy. If he knew that part of my problems were indirectly caused by him he would be crushed. He’s very fragile. But I’m starting to realize so am I. We got into a fight earlier and I got so upset that I left and started walking. I don’t even know where I’m going in this city and it scared me actually. The worst part was that it was like I was completely gone from my own body. I mean I have been slowly slipping away from myself for a long time now but tonight its like I wasn’t even there at all. We were just fighting and the next thing I knew I was walking through West Des Moines alone in the dark. It isn’t exactly a bad neighborhood but still. I am scared that one of these days I will lose myself for good.


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