So where to begin?

Born to an alcoholic mother who cheated and tore me from my father by five.  Took me to the south to live with the guy she cheated with.(abusive and an alcoholic)

Done away with in the special ed programe. Stuck in front of a tv as a baby sitter till 13 or 14. Till she couldn’t be bothered with the mess she made. Shipped me away to live with bio-father in a small Mormon/reservation town.

Wherein I am bullied constantly and brutally throughout high school. By both communities. Only friends are the town drug dealers and gdfolks gang members. They keep me from getting fucked with too hard and don’t let me participate in anything illegal except weed and ciggarettes. Get kicked from high school cause I start ditching and doing my own thing.

Get in legal trouble for a party. None of the stuff was mine(didn’t even drink) cept an empty weed pipe. Spend 2 weeks in jail. While cops figure out the “meth” they thought they found was my ADHD meds.

Then sent to project challenge 6 month boot camp. Get out go to work live with mom again for awhile get back into bad friends only these ones don’t look out for me.

Mom boots me onto the street and I couch surf while ruining my car and working 2 jobs and trying to go to an accredited adult high school. (They run out of funding and shutter)

Find a stray name her Hunny. Who becomes my most cherished friend for 16 long years. The one constant I had to turn to to comfort me and be happy with we played and ran and shared every meal I had in her presence. But first we live in a garage for 3 months. Pops finds out what’s happened and comes and takes me back to small town.

Fall out with thug “friends” back in small town cause of the mental abuse and lack of support. They were changing getting into pill trafficking and meth.

Get a job cleaning boats. Its dope the bosses kid (38 yr old man.)is weird but but the pay is great the work is fun. The son strikes a friendship and then onisions me. Gets me to cuck him with his wife. He traps me in this mental abuse cycle where he teaches me how to be normal and get dates and takes me places and hangs out with me like a best friend for years. But the whole time just manipulating me and all of my co workers and his wife into weird sexual situationships.

I realize whats going on and hermit up. As it would happen neighbor holds grudge for us having a double wide built next to his dream home and has been tracking our cars fourwheelers and when I smoke weed and play games online.(Park service guy)

He spends years running around town telling people I make meth in my bedroom. Never even took a chem class in my life lol. He teaches his dogs to bark out on his porch all day. Has his morman friends kids hunt me down on the trackers everytime me and hunny go out. They try to kill me at least twice before I learn to just stay at home in my room.

I’m now 25 I have had 3 short term gfs and worrying amounts of casual encounters with questionable partners online.  3 online friends and one real friend who moves to Colorado.We decided fuck this! the persecution here isn’t letting up. lets start over away from here.

Me and pops move to Florida. I work for the first time in years I get some confidence I feel better I find a gf nothing serious. Get call from Colorado friends hubby died she’s gonna off herself. Asks me to move in I reluctantly accept. Get drunk with her alcoholic sister we sleep together and she gets obsessed.(the sister)

Tell her I’ll be with her if she stops drinking. She doesn’t and we have a nasty break up. I leave angry and scare my friend off forever. I get back to FL with hunny. I get better takes a year. Hanging out more with online gaming friend. He does alot of drugs and is well a peice of shit. Stop hanging so often.

I work at gym and a tombstone engravers. I meet a few girls but nothing sticking. Life has stalled.

One day I get what I’m sure is a cam bot. She is not. She is though only 18. I tell her I’m flattered but too young. She keeps contacting me making me laugh and talking about things I like and agree with politically we meet.

I have my first real date. With this girl and we actually have alot of fun. And she’s darkly funny And smart like no one ive ever met in my life. Shes an atheist,shes progressive,we watch the same stuff on youtube, she likes music I like and more that was older that id never heard or tried, she was quiet and nervous all the time around other people like I tend to be, we had some of the same childhood traumas, we just clicked over months of talking. And we fall in love. We do a long distance relationship for a year. I propose she accepts and moves in. Hunny is diagnosed with throat cancer. Grandpa gets sick and dies.

I become a slow motion drunk pilled out train wreck. The pandemic hits. We cloister in the house for nearly 2 and a half years I get way better. Dad gets cancer. He gets better but we’re still stuck. And I’m still paranoid. As a mother fucked about covid.

We try to get productive to no avail. Project after project that we buy stuff to to or talk about doing but never get finished. As we all 3 cycle through depression for the last year. We argue more and more but I really just want to get better and make her happy as I can. But I can’t and fail to see how(turns out she thinks it would have been me focusing on myself betterment more. Like actually focusing on learning my math and building a resume to get a remote work job) that I totally agree with even if she wasn’t willing to follow through on her own ambitions or get a remote work job. She finaly goes down to visit her mom(who she tells me often she kinda hates and never wants to talk to) whom I encourage her to talk to and keep her family ties. Her mom’s an antivaxxer and anti masker the crystal hippie type. She (gf) never once seemed to think covid was fake or not a big enough concern before.   So too are all the family she visits with they convince her I’m manipulating her with the covid thing or something because she comes home after a week not wanting to go through a test or wear a mask any more. And all kinds of other wild accusations I can’t tell if she believed about me (or if I believe about myself at this point some of it I believe some of it I think we’re justifications to help her feel better leaving) but she doesn’t love me anymore I haven’t gotten better enough for her. And says I only enable her with her bad traits.  And she leaves.

Now I have no one but dad who I bicker with almost every day. and the knowledge that the only person I ever found that I connected to that deeply thinks I’m not worth her time or effort.

Lots was left out but thats my journey thus far. I was wrong in so many ways about too many decisions. And now I’m left alone with guilt and grief.

And I feel utterly paralyzed by fear of if I’ll ever feel as good again as when I had her in my life motivating me to be better.

She wasn’t without fault but I feel like I bear the largest share of responsibility. Not that it matters I’m pretty sure its never gonna get a chance to be repaired.