Why the fuck am I struggling like this? I’m supposed to be the happy go lucky boy that everyone comes to when they need to talk or when they need to cheer up and I will with dark jokes or just listening.  Then there is me, fucked up worthless me. I don’t care about my own happiness anymore. I know my happiness is dead. Because I’m broken I try to fix others. I’ve pulled many all nighters talking people out of suicide, or sneaking out to help a friend with a panic attack. I’m the “big brother” of my band. The one that protects the group and makes them feel safe. I let them fall back on me. Then I have nobody to fall back on. I’m always hurting, I go days without eating or sleeping hoping that I’ll go crazy and die. I haven’t eaten in 3 days as of right now. I can’t bring myself to eat. Why the fuck am I struggling like this?

1 Comment
  1. borisgudinov 3 years ago

    Hey Cory666666: You add up to thirty six. In some communities that is a very valuable number as it is a blessing for life. I am by no means a religious person (I am not even sure what a prayer is supposed to feel like inside my brain). My travels have crossed with others like you who have an empathic gift to help others. Do not underestimate the value in life: both theirs for the comfort you bring, and yours, for what you are able to do. It takes a very special person. I am that way too, and yes it really hurts like hell when you can comfort someone in need, but have no one to comfort you. I too feel hollow, alone, and even ashamed . It hurts every day. I have to fake it from the moment I wake up to the moment I sleep. I keep the emptiness hidden. “You have so much to live for,” I get told over and over. I am new to this tribe. actually stumbled upon it looking for something else. What is particularly hard is being anxious and sleep less because of deep depression. At this point it is not a fog — a fog would be something one can cut through to get back to the real world (at least for me). Its a slow motion and it takes all of whatever willpower I have to get up each day. You never know when you will be needed. I am trying to maintain a hold onto I am not sure what—perhaps its Humanity. Be Well. Boris

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