i feel shit again, really low. Im questioning my whole life and existance. I dont know or understand why i keep coming back to this place. Im trying so hard to move forward but something keeps pulling me back. Im still seeing my counsellor and at our last meeting just 4 days ago i was feeling positive and good and we even decided to put our appointments to every 2 weeks instead of every week but now i feel like i need to see her every day. I wish i could get answers from somewhere but its as if there are none. Every time i feel like things are going good and im feeling ok i always go back 2 steps and start feeling like abslote shit again. Will i ever feel normal …will i ever feel genuine happiness and contemptment? Some times i think  i do feel it but always at the back of my mind there is something else there, a doubtfull thought or voice telling me its not 100% and it wont be lasting. I know im probably talking in riddles and im sorry for that but i have to get this, whatever it is, off my mind. Im crying here, i feel so down and deeply un-happy with my life and withouth alarming you i just dont want to continue for the simple fact that i cant comprehend living the rest of my life with these constant up's and down's. People keep telling me it gets better and  i have to go through the bad times to get to the good ones but how long do the bad times last? I dont know if im strong enough to see it through. Every thing i think is so conflicted , the only way i can explain it is to say its as if there is 2 sides of my brain, one telling me 'ok im happy everything is good, i can do this' while at the same time the other is saying ' no this is bullshit, you know your not really happy and you probably never will be'. Its so horrible and i just wish it would stop…  Is there something more wrong with me that being  a bit depressed? I know everyone goes through there up's and down's, good times and bad times but surely these good and bad times arent supposed to be so close together, like for a week or so i feel on top of the world and then suddenely it comes crashing back down. Im really starting to feel like i cant cope. I feel lost, i feel lost in a deep  black sea of nothingness and i dont feel il ever escape… I was even using last week cos i felt so shit and im not trying to use that as an excuse and i know many of you reading this will say thats why im feeling the way i am and fair enough your probably right to some extent, but i was feeling bad before i used and it was the only thing that made it better, now im not using and i feel so depressed again. The only time i feel truly happy is when im using but i dont want to go back there either cos i know in the end it just makes things worse. WHAT THE FUCK CAN I DO….. someone please help me.