Just when you think you start to see the light of things and start to smile, depression and anxiety start to sweep back into your mind.  I hate the obsessive thoughts about pretty much nothing. It's a vicious circle of thoughts, negative ones. I don't have the thoughts of suicide or anything like that, I have thoughts that I am going to go crazy or I feel detattched from reality. I hate that. Sometimes I wish I had a broken leg instead of a broken mind.  Sometimes it's hard to go to places or see people. I haven't stayed at my boyfriends house in 6 months and I got up the courage to go there and stay last weekend, and I was then awaken by a severe panic attack, and it was dreadful. Not so much of the panic attack istelf but I was having the fear and thoughts of having one the entire night.  I so dislike the feeling of the fear of having one. That hurts the most, and is so scary, my mind is always on pilot mode and always prepared about having an attack, and then when my body and mind finally relax, BOOM I get an attack.  Sometimes I wonder, is this ever going to end?  Years ago I was panic and depression free, but when my grandparents passed, this all hit again, 1,000 X harder than I ever expected. I am always scared and always on alert. I am tired of it, it makes me so exhausted and I don't do the things that I used to. I hardly smile anymore and when I do, it's fake just to please people because I don't feel like sharing to friends or sometimes family about what I go through, because they don't understand and I don't care for their feedback because it's always the same thing said. They always say it will get better, but how do they know, because none of them have experienced what I am going through, especially panic. Oh, and the thing that really makes me mad is the fact that some people take panic and depression as though you're a freak. If I told someone I had cancer, they'd be more supportive or if I had a broken leg. But when I tell them that I have a hard time with my obsessive thoughts and depression, some people don't know how to react and they think Im a freak.  No one has told me that I am crazy, everyone so supportive. I am just upset at this and I always feel that it's going to get to the point where I am going to go crazy. Ugh, it sucks. I hate it. I want to punch panic in the face and I want to squash depression entirely.  I am moving on and I force myself to do things although not to the point where I am going to get burned out. I am so thankful for the life that I have and I always tell myself that it can be worse, but then my mind always twists and turns things around so negatively, I am tired of it. Grrrr.  I am venting… This made me feel good and I am going to go take a drive to my boyfriends house now :o)


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