I get so frustrated some days.Trying to get someone to understand your depression.. and how to truly help.. is just so exhuasting. My Prince has stuck by my side for over a year.. I have no clue how, but I refuse to complain. He truly is wonderful.. but our downfall is my anxiety and depression. Anxiety is more understandable, I guess.. though depression is a whole other level. He wants to understand.. and some days I tell him things I have refused to talk to anyone else about before. And if I am just venting.. he's helpful.. it just seems overwhelming to him, and he doesn't understand the depth of it. But.. when I start to get upset.. and sink fast.. I don't know. I panic. I feel like the only person I can run to is him.. but when I do.. I come off all wrong. I end up being shitty with him.. and it just gets worse the farther I fall. I freak and get upset and he doesn't know how to handle me. It upsets him.. and he ends up getting crappy right back. He takes it all personally.. but the more he says, the more fueled I am. I don't feel like I am that bad.. I am a very nice and quiet person.. and I have trouble being blunt or saying anything that may hurt someone. But when I am like that.. I feel like I am holding myself back.. controlling my anger. But I still make the comments, and they still hurt him. We live in different cities, so it is usually just messages.. not in person.But it is usually at night.. and I wake up the next morning feeling like hell for what I've said. I read it and don't remember being shitty. I remember making comments of things that upset me or hurt me.. but it comes off as a mean comment instead of just stating my thoughts. I don't know.. we really don't have any arguments outside of that.. and it happens more and more often. He is so incredible.. and I  am SO tired of losing control of myself and sort of taking it out on him. He wants to help me, but he just doesn't know where to start.I have told him before.. I need you to be your normal self. He calls me baby constantly, and he knows how much that melts me. He is so sweet and kind and loving.. if he would just do that.. get my attention.. tell me I am hurting him.. ask me to calm down.. and then talk with me and try the positive stuff. But instead.. when I get shitty.. so does he. And I sort of realize it.. and feel like he just doesn't care to help me. I feel like he wants me to drown in this darkness.. he doesn't want to deal with me. Like he just doesn't care. And I just keep going and going.. until he finally can't stay awake any longer.The next morning, I regret so much of what I have said. And he distances a bit.. and I worry and worry. And I overthink things and upset myself.. and he just wants time to cool off before he talks much. I don't work that way.. I want to fix the problem right away. I can't just brush it aside for a day.. I want it figured out and dealt with.It is beginning to eat me alive. We hung out for a bit today before the kids got back from their grandma's.. and talked about it a bit. It absolutely kills me to see him tear up while talking to me about it.. because I know if I could only get a better hold on myself, then I could avoid this all. I know he says he wants to work through it.. but I still worry some times that it will become too overbearing for him.. and he will think maybe he can't handle this.I am so very lucky to be his princess.. but I only hope I can get a grip on myself, and we can work together to overcome this in a smoother fashion than we have been lately.

1 Comment
  1. AlyRoo 7 years ago

    See?.. I've already done it again. I can't hardly handle plans changing.. it messes with my anxiety. He wanted to come see me before work this morning, but he hasn't been feeling well and didn't end up coming. So I woke up early and waited.. and nothing. So I send shitty messages saying I don't expect him over early any morning, and just things of that nature.. and clearly, it was hurtful. Why do I continuously do this? I hate myself even more than I normally do.. why do I hurt him every time I feel hurt? I'm just sitting here crying now.. trying not to open his message, because I am still not coming off clearly and I am afraid to say more that will hurt him again..

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