This has been the worst fucking week. First the shit on Monday then last night. To top it off,It's 100 degrees and I can't even use the pool because of an infection. Not that it's any fun to go swimming all alone anyway. I am so mad at K he is a fucking selfish lying pr*ck.

My dad believes that K lied about being sick because he's still afraid he'll run into my parents even though my parents were going to be out until late, perhaps K didn't want to take the chance of them coming home early. That makes sense. I mean it upsets me and makes me very angry that K canceled at the last minute, but it still makes sense that he was worried he'd run into my parents.

I am so alone and so pissed off. I just can't stop eating. Tomorrow my parents friend is coming over early and I really don't want to see ANYONE. I am not taking a fucking shower just for him, I don't feel like it. I spent 2 hrs yesterday making myself look my absolute best only to have K cancel on me. And the worst is knowing I won't get anymore texts from him now, the texts were the only things that kept me going, that gave me life and hope. Now I'll get nothing, I just know it, I know he's going to disappear again.

If only I could accept it. If only I could be happy having seen him one last time and then let everything go. Why can't I what is wrong with me??? Why do I have to be in love with a much younger man who doesn't really give a shit about me and really has no intention of doing anything unless it's for himself?

I'm not going to pretend to be happy around my parents friend tomorrow either. They met him and his wife at NAMI when they were taking classes, their son is also mentally ill, but he is worse off in some ways, better off in others. He's not always in reality. I am always STUCK in fucking reality. Just depressed and anxious ALLLL of the time. At least I was only anxious for a while, but now the depression is back and I'm both. Maybe it's better to just go into a deep depression and not be as anxious. I don't even want to take my meds because they wake me up and put me into a normal mood, well normal except for the anxiety. Prozac really does wake up your mind, stimulate it and make you even more anxious. But the anti-anxiety pills I took made me so out of it and NOT in a good way. I wish it were a good way, but it was terrible. So I don't take them, I only take anti-depressants and I wish I could go off of them. I know if I don't take Abilify anymore I won't sleep, so I can't mess around with that. I'll just take my pills anyway… I just want to curl up and not feel. I can only drink so much so many nights in a row without feeling horrible so I have to go off of that for a couple of days at least… that's why I turn to the only thing left, food stuffing my fucking face, I'm a size 8/9 soon I will be a 10/11, I am FAT FAT FAT.

HA, it's sooo funny how last year I was a size 4/5. I don't know what the fuck happened. I don't know why my appetite came back, I really do think it's the Abilify, or maybe I just decided to stop worrying about being thin. I don't fucking know. I'm really unhappy is all I know. I am unhappy because I am always always alone. Even when J and I were best friends, I felt alone with him because I didn't love him. So when I thought K was coming back, (at least as a friend and more) I let J go. Now I don't even have him to talk to. Fuck that anyways, he was useless, I couldn't ever talk to him about guys.

Last week when M was here it was freezing, like 60 was the high. Now it's 100. What kind of messed up weather is that? I hate it here. I hate the crowds, the traffic even in the middle of fucking nowhere there is TONS and I do mean TONS of traffic. We are in the wine country for God's sake! I hate the stupid fucking wine country, it used to be home, now it's just home to a thousand bad memories.