I feel like 2017 really wrecked me and even a year later it’s like I’m still discovering new cracks. I went on a dating app for no reason other than to see if I’d get any kind of reaction from myself. I’ve been pretty dead below the waist to be completely honest also with my crippling trust issues there is no one I want to let it. The last time I remotely felt anything was for a guy at work, there was a mild flirtation but he switched to another job. After a while I was so numb that I was faking it. The incident in 2017 was so unnecessary I still don’t fully understand why it happened. I guess I had to be forced to realize who was actually worth keeping in my life. I cut more relationships and my circle of people has gotten even smaller. I haven’t spoken to my sister since January. When I got sick again all she did was put me down all the time for developing new issues and past issues resurfacing. She crossed the line when she told me I need to tell my therapist to tell me to snap out of it. I wish more than anything it was that easy. I try to imagine a day where I’ll be really okay and can find a way to be open again but that seems so far off. Now I’m just looking over my shoulder for another incident to happen as much as I don’t want to be that paranoid. There are things I hate, certain things are a trigger, and limitations that I have. Issues I thought I had worked through but are now just raw and exposed. I feel safer alone because I don’t think I could stand being burned like that again

1 Comment
  1. delane1 4 years ago

    ***hugs*** i get so riled up when people make those kinda statements/demands like your sister has. *sigh
    You are sooooooooooo not alone in your description of how things have gone for you. i’ve come to understand that people are going to be the way they are and anyone who wants to change is going to have to accept that they need a change, before they can ever work on it. Most people, sadly, feel they don’t need to change or improve in any way, and therefore, continue to meander through life. All we can do is work on ourselves and TRY for a better tomorrow.

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