So you tell yourself before anything ever happens to take it slow and give love a chance. Then as time progresses and you spend time with him, look into those amber eyes and kiss those lips… you fall and keep falling harder with every touch.

I'm trying to go cold turkey, not thinking about him. But I can't… he says he loves me and all but he says he can't be with me now. It's now or never, I don't know how much longer I'm going to be here. So why can't he just understand this, and take me into his arms.

Everyone is telling me I can do better, and it might be true, But my heart is tied to him, I can't just remove him from the picture. I broke up with him, that's the ironic thing. My therapist convinced me that the relationship was not healthy, because well it really wasn't. But I loved him, I still do I wish I hated him. He never came after me and I got upset that he didn't. During November, we started talking again and love was back in my day to day routine. Waking up with a smile, singing in the shower, and dreaming sweet dreams of us together. But I really messed things up, I really need him now more than ever and he can't be here. Everyone is telling him that I'm no good, and that I'm dramatic. My depression ruined me and my relationship. I wish I could change who I am but this is me. These falling tears, red and puffy eyes, piles of tissues… this is me. My name is heartbroken and I don't think I will ever love again.

How do I go from being like this to being happy. I know I have to be happy with myself, by myself…. but I had him in my life for so long I don't know how to go back. I can't do this entire single thing, making out with random guys thats not me. I want passion and the awkward first kiss. But no one wants to be with someone like me. My psychiatrst almost thought I was bipolar, but he diagnosed me as an emotional person. The emotions that may feel like a snowball for some people, is an avalanche for me. I keep getting knocked down. Disoriented I try picking myself up before the next attack, but a part of me just wants to lay there, waiting for a reason, waiting for him to take me into his arms.

Will I ever be able to breathe without him?